Posts Tagged Truth

How to Track your Commitment to a Relationship – Personal or Business

A subset of an exercise, on building outcomes for a relationship, from my book…

The Mystique to the Game of Life (and Unrequited Love).

Mystique

Pick a relationship you’re in, business or personal…

Bring into focus how your relationship has been of late. Answer and write down the answers to the following questions and responses to instructions…

  • Give yourself a score of 0 to 10, out of 10, for level of satisfaction with the relationship where 10 equates to 100% – “The relationship is exactly how I want it to be”, 5 equates to “Half and half” or “So so”, 0 equates to “Not at all” and so on.
  • What has been your input to making the relationship how you want it to be?
  • Give yourself a score of 0 to 10, out of 10, for your level of commitment to the relationship where 10 equates to 100%, 5 equates to 50%, 0 equates to nothing at all and so on.
  • Track your level of commitment to the relationship on a weekly basis.

You raise your level of commitment by raising how much (energy) you give to and receive from the relationship materially, mentally, emotionally and spiritually – as long as what you give or receive is not borne of anger, hurt, shame or fear.

Old scale

The relationship is in balance when you receive the same amount of ‘energy’ as you give.

The relationship gets to exactly where both parties want it to be when both rate their satisfaction with it as a ‘10’. A ‘10 all round’ is where both parties are fully committed to the relationship, they both give and receive 100% which means they are both 100% satisfied.

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr
Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author
Facebook:
Beowulf (>16,000 followers)

Image courtesy of newyorkparkingticket.com

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a comment

Mindfulness Case Study: Unrequited Love

MystiqueExtract from The Mystique to the Game of Life (and Unrequited Love) from Amazon US, UK and worldwide.

Pre-reading to explain some of the terms used, see blog, The Game of Life

Client Case Study of Unrequited Love – Part 4 of 4; Vulnerabilities, Repeating Patterns, Frozen Trauma, Activating Event, Core Beliefs and Dysfunctional Assumptions

My client  recognised the ‘cat and mouse’ nature of the repeating behavioural patterns in a relationship he had with “someone who loves me as a friend and no more”. He would attempt to remain mindful and stay courteously detached when in his partner’s company. He would laugh and joke with her but would not allow himself to get carried away and be overtly affectionate with her – which is what he wanted to do as a natural course of events. She would often hold his hand or touch his neck and shoulder. He would return that affection but only briefly. He feared he would lose his mindfulness and expose any vulnerabilities he held about himself.

After say an hour or so of this ‘cat and mouse’ game, his partner would catch him off guard. For example, she would sit next to him, place her hands between and squeeze his legs half way between his knees and genitalia and then direct his hand to the same position between her legs. She always held his hands firmly so she could direct them to parts of her body where she felt comfortable being touched. My client respected this but in that moment of physical tenderness, he lost his state of mindfulness and yearned that she would allow the touching to continue and become more intimate. But she would never allow that.

As soon as he allowed this state of yearning to arise, his partner would kiss him and hug him several times and leave quickly. He would then feel saddened by her departure. Sometimes that sadness would turn to anger, not towards his partner, but towards himself – for allowing himself to get “sucked into the situation of unrequited yearning” again.

Because of these continuing setbacks, he would question his own motives and whether he was conning himself or not that he really was practising mindfulness. He would question whether mindfulness itself was valid or just a psychologist/spiritualist fad that people have cottoned on to – like The Law of Attraction; of which he would think to himself, “Everybody’s buying books about it and doing it but I don’t see many people attracting the things they really want!”

My client knew his intentions were good and wanted only the best for both he and his partner. He kept going. He remembered to practise patience with and compassion for himself. He waited consciously for the wisdom of what was incomplete in him to arrive. And when it came, he realised that it could only arrive under duress. He would have to attract it wantonly and no-one could help him in this matter.

One night, his partner announced that she was fed up with her life and was going away to France for a week with a view to emigrating there as soon as she could. My client got very upset in the moment but kept his cool. After his partner had left, my client realised that he was still attached to the successful outcomes, he’d defined for the relationship, and that he had to let go of this attachment. He had to stop succumbing to his desires whilst still loving his partner and releasing the anger (the sign of an incompletion) that kept welling up in him. He realised that he’d lost touch with his purpose (the journey to completeness or love) for the relationship and become attached to its outcome instead.

As he ‘gazed’ at the repeating behavioural patterns, he saw the same fear of rejection in his partner that he saw in himself – and the many relationships before her that all had the same ‘cat and mouse’ pattern to them. He realised how he had attracted a series of relationships throughout his life that were all destined to end traumatically in rejection after a short while. It was as if he was seeking this trauma subliminally because of a subconscious programme running within him. (This type of repeating pattern is sometimes referred to as a frozen trauma; frozen in time; frozen in the past tense.)

My client sought the source of his repeating traumas. Under therapy, he went back to his childhood and kept going back in time until he reached the very beginning.

He was two months in the womb. His subconscious mind became alert to his mother not wanting a child. His mother was rejecting him before he had even been born. This was the source of his frozen trauma in time and he had been living out a reaction to this rejection all his life.

Inspired by druidic wisdom…

Life requires wholeness. The subconscious mind prompts the attraction of events and people who mirror what is incomplete within us. Some of us try to escape from this ‘requirement’ by…

1. Lapsing into a state of depression so that we won’t even want to get out bed in the morning to face life.

2. Building a psychological shield to protect ourselves from repeating a trauma, in this case ‘rejection’, i.e. we deny ourselves the facility to love and be loved wholly for fear of rejection.

Or

3. Distracting ourselves from thinking about the incompleteness in our lives through drink, drugs, gambling, sex, mindless TV and the like.

The only alternative is to journey the road to wholeness, completeness, love. All other roads lead back this road eventually. In this, we have no choice.

My client could now see more clearly how his partner was acting out on his behalf the frozen trauma he first had with his mother. A trauma (incompleteness) that he still hadn’t resolved within himself. In seeing (becoming a seer) he had already taken a major step and readied himself to take the next one.

Together we sought the activating event by which my client started the relationship patterns that would reflect his frozen trauma in time. He was 13 years old and earned pocket money gardening. He attracted the attention of a 32 year old spinster with whom he entered into a sexual relationship that lasted for three years. He fulfilled his nascent adolescent desire for sex but, he also felt very guilty after every recreational encounter with the woman. He felt he “had sinned before God”.

Yet it was only now that he saw the subliminal reason for participating in underage sex. He felt that he could control the woman. He could say how, when and where they came together. And if she were to reject him, he held the threat of reporting her actions to the authorities.

My client saw how, following this activating event, he (even with what he thought was good intention) would use generosity to woo, or coldness to threaten, women to get what he wanted from their relationship and avoid rejection. And he had used both strategies on his existing partner to no avail. She refused him intimacy because she had her own holding patterns running. And yet my client and his partner both talked of the special connection between them and their love for one another.

My client had now taken a further step, under therapy, to unearth the wisdom of the incompleteness he was hiding from himself. As he sat in silence, I got my client to focus on where and how the prospect of releasing himself from his frozen trauma affected his physical body. He described the feeling of locked or trapped energy, as he pointed to the centre of his chest, half way up his sternum.

I got my client to shine light into the area and asked him what core beliefs (about self) did he see or hear that blocked the flow of energy (chi) through his body. He spoke of four things: two core beliefs and two dysfunctional assumptions (about others) with which he allowed to hold himself back…

1. All relationships and agreements break eventually (dysfunctional assumption).

2. I am unworthy of a lasting relationship (core belief).

3. Women are out to hurt me (dysfunctional assumption).

4. I must have the power to be able to hurt them first. With this power I can threaten or control them (core belief).

I reminded my client that…

A belief is merely a thought that we hold true for a long time. It is no more true or false than any other thought. A thought is not a fact and, as Eckhart Toll reminds us, “You are not your thoughts”.

My client now had all the information he needed at his disposal to avoid him getting “sucked in” to the same old behavioural patterns he’d been subjecting himself to. Was this ‘game over?’ No. He still had to do the work mindfully to avoid reacting to his partner’s ‘cat and mouse’ behaviours. Instead he determined to show her love, enthusiasm, compassion, patience and continue to work on his own completeness.

His partner still had her own holding patterns to work on but it was not within his power or right to change her. It was within his power to change himself only, i.e. change the relationship to the relationship he had with his partner. And by replacing ‘reaction’ with ‘action’, he was prepared to trust himself, the process of mindfulness and his journey to love, regardless of whether that love was requited or not.

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr
Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author
Facebook:
Beowulf (>16,000 followers)

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

2 Comments

Magic is…

Fire heart…Something created out of nothing, the nothingness created from having no fear. When you release all your fear, all that remains is joy and wellbeing. Can there be anything more magical to life than feeling 100% well and happy?

Extract from a forthcoming booklet, currently 3rd in my pipeline (working title), How to Concoct Love in your Life, the first in a series of Quick Guides to Ancient Wisdom.

Image from http://wallpapersa.blogspot.co.uk/

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr
Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author
Facebook:
Beowulf (>16,000 followers)

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a comment

A Meditation on Unrequited Love

Love is Not-love Until…

AngelThe battles I have fought to have you choose love.

I have mustered the elements in vain.

With swords, wands and wealth,

I hold out the chalice of love to seal our bond.

Yet I cannot enchant your will,

To drink its golden promise.

Time after time, we kiss, we embrace, we fear, we part.

Later, we come together again.

Drawn like moths to the flames in one another’s hearts;

Again we kiss, we embrace, we fear…

The dark, a void between us, too great to span.

I’ve stood close to its edge, too fearful to jump,

Into the shadows where lies a monster,

Borne from an age gone by.

Resurrected within us, through childhood memories,

Too dark to look back, too hurtful to recall.

The monster, from Past, feeds on our fears.

Our karmic pact to slay the beast remains incomplete.

And so the monster returns to Future

Which presents itself to us now.

My soul cries “enough!”

I choose to descend the depths where my light shines dimly.

I hope you’ll join me but I, resolved,

Commit to love you regardless.

I have wanted you, as I have wanted no other.

I have attracted you as I have attracted no other

I have repelled you, as I have repelled no other.

And…

I love you, as I have loved no other.

You love me, as you have loved no other.

And still…

We cannot be as one until the beast is slain

In the smoke below the beast takes form.

In its gut burns anger.

Its throat chokes with fear.

In its head hangs shame

And in its heart festers hurt, a wound that will not heal.

I approach with sword and shield

And beast is gone.

Again… and it is gone.

Again… and it is gone.

I wait silently.

Out of the black appears a face, familiar.

I lay down my weapons of convention.

The bellows part to reveal a mirror.

Before me stands Past;

A heavy yolk I have carried all my life.

Childhood grief pierces my heart.

As I lift the yolk to bear its weight,

All conflict unresolved wounds my body.

My mind panics. I want to cast off my mantle

And run away, like so many times before.

Yet I remain still and empty my mind.

I create a circle of light to protect me

And look to the Light within.

I see through Past’s deception;

To rob me of golden Future now,

The present moment eternal.

I stand on the shoreline of unconsciousness

I hear voices but no words of wisdom

I see with no eyes

I feel without touch.

The Light fills my body

The anger calms

The hurt heals

The shame lifts

I shine the light…

Towards the dark door to Future.

At which I hear ‘the knock’.

I am tempted to flee again,

Back from whence I came, to Past,

Who beckons me to turn back from what Future offers.

Whilst my innermost fear locks the door tight.

Instead I choose courage.

To become fearless; I turn the lock

To greet the stranger without.

Before me stands an angel.

I bid her welcome.

She dines with me and I with her as…

She reveals the illusion of my fear.

I see all that remains incomplete

Core beliefs I allow to deceive myself

False assumptions that ward off love, not danger.

I feel a fool, pathetic, as the angel speaks.

“Acknowledge that Future reveals all that you do not love about yourself,

Given to it by Past.

Yet Future’s other gift is Present.

The gift to complete all that is incomplete.

Love is complete. All that is not complete, incomplete, is not Love.

Present is now. All that is not now is not present. It is illusion. It is not.

And yet you allow what is not to determine your path.

Instead choose what you want, ‘success’. Future will bring it to you after you have completed the incomplete; release the fears by which you shield yourself from ‘not-success’.)

Venture towards ‘success’ and ‘not-success’ together. Bid Future to bring you your fears. The Journey to Love requires that you release them.

Then let go of success and not-success; focus only on the Journey.

Practise love, self-love first and thence for all.

Practise compassion, self-compassion first and thence for all.

Practise patience, first with self then others

Practise completeness, by releasing all fear from self.

As your fear of ‘not-success’ dispels then Future presents no more fear.

Not-success disappears, leaving only ‘success’.

You create success out of the nothingness of no fear.

This is how the Ancients practised magic.

A warrior is brave, fearless, prepared for battle.

A magician is wise, fearlessness, sees through the illusion of fears past; no need for bravery anymore.

Your purpose is to shine the Love; the Light that you, complete, are.

Trust yourself.

Trust the process and you travel in wisdom

That others cannot see yet.

Yet you see, become a seer,

Shine the light for others to see, for themselves.”

Our meal complete the angel leaves.

I ascend from the avoid and see you close, at its edge.

I make no motion to encourage you my love.

The choice to meet your angel is yours and yours alone.

And I shall love you regardless.

Image courtesy of rapgenius

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr
Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author
Facebook:
Beowulf (>16,000 followers)

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

1 Comment

The Mystique to the Game of Life

IMG_1662Extracts from my forthcoming booklet (now in draft form, being proof-read):

The Mystique to the Game of Life (and Unrequited Love)

#Mindfulness in Relationships Series, No 1

Have you ever loved someone so dearly and have that love not returned? The other person shares everything apart from their love. They refuse to surrender themselves to the process of love; the unconditional surrender of freedom to the commitment that love requires.

Have you ever felt sick to the stomach over unrequited love?

Have you ever yearned in your heart or loins for someone when your head is telling you…

  • “This is absolutely the wrong partner for you”?
  • “Bottom line, she/he just doesn’t fancy you”?
  • “You and him/her, it’s never going to happen”?

Or something like

  • “She/he simply doesn’t love you the way you love her/him”?

Your head judges, your loins desire sexual fulfilment and your heart seeks to share love. I call this the Head, Heart and Loins dynamics of a relationship. When all three are aligned, within and between partners, their relationship is probably in good shape to meet the outcomes they seek. (The same holds true for a personal friendship whether there is a sexual element to that friendship or not.) I speak neither of good nor bad, nor moralise. I speak of the process of achieving a purpose through the journey to the goals you set for the relationship, be those goals profound or for short term recreation.

Mindfulness, sometimes referred to as being present in the moment, is the process of creating love, enthusiasm, compassion, patience and completeness in the moment (by moment) – regardless of whether these vibrations are returned or not. It takes mindfulness to fulfil a relationship’s true purpose, which curiously can be achieved whether the goals are achieved or not.

For example, in movies and songs I’ve heard the phrase, “You complete me”. Well if someone’s purpose is to become complete and they set a goal to find someone who completes them – what happens should they achieve completeness? They no longer need someone else for that purpose.

Other people don’t complete you. You find ‘completeness’ through the journey to ‘completeness’; you find ‘oneness’.

Mindfulness is the vehicle by which to travel the journey.

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr
Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author
Facebook: Beowulf
(>16,000 followers)

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a comment

Full Moon/SuperMoon ~ July 22, 2013 ~ in Aquarius, Sun in Leo

supermoonjune13
Contemplate service and the satisfaction from giving. What have you done, since the last Full Moon, for the greater good without asking for anything in return?

What could you do more of or differently?

Commit to two actions. When you complete the first, commit to a further action. Keep two action steps in front of you always – so you know where you are going.

What is really good for you is good for all.

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr

Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

3 Comments

The Game of Life

Extract from Quick Guide IV – A Scorecard that Accounts for Mindfulness in Business.

Adapted from Druid wisdom (ref: Light and Life, a series of booklets written by David Loxley, Chief Druid, The Druid Order, London).

Your purpose is more than to succeed. It is to learn and apply the wisdom needed to succeed.

Success is the goal, but life is the time and space that happens in between now and reaching that goal. You attract the future that comes towards you. The future presents you with what remains incomplete right now in your life. The future presents the present with the opportunity to learn about yourself, incomplete wisdom, and apply that wisdom – completeness.Should you complete what is incomplete, it travels into the past and need not return.

The Game of Life

The Game of Life was understood by the Egyptians from the Ancient Kingdom.

Whatever travels into the past that remains incomplete ‘returns to the future’. Whatever issues (i.e. unlearned or unapplied wisdom) that remain incomplete, be they business or personal, return again and again until you complete them.

When you start something, complete it.

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr
Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

2 Comments

How to Be at your Peak in Every Key Meeting

QGIV Book Cover 3MbExtract from Quick Guide IV – A Scorecard that Accounts for Mindfulness in Business

Top performers do three essential things to be at their peak.

1. Clarify your outcomes for the meeting in hand and how you want the relationship with the person to develop, meeting by meeting, one step at a time. Moderate performers focus less on the latter dimension.

2. Be mindful of the frame of the mind you want to be in and that any meeting (is hopefully a meeting of minds) is ultimately about helping everyone present to frame a congruent viewpoint of what needs to be done.

3. Prepare your strategy, primarily so that you allow yourself to get in the frame of mind you want to be.

Research I’ve come across and my own experience shows that the most important thing you take into a meeting is your frame of mind followed by being clear about the outcomes you seek. Having a strategy is important but, once the meeting has started, it’s factors ‘2’ and ‘1’ above (and in that order) that will determine most how you ‘handle any curve balls thrown your way’.

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr

Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a comment

“I Feel Good, dah-dah dah-dah dah-dah-dah!”

james-brown

Your outlook in life goes hand in hand with your personality. Personality is a long term habit. A habit is a long term mood. A mood is a long term feeling. So when you feel good and stay feeling good, you shape your outlook for the better. Do and say what feels good. If what you’re about to do doesn’t feel good, don’t do it!

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr

Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author

Image courtesy of Fans Share

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

1 Comment

Affirmation for today, 3 July 2013, from Titan

 

Titan, the largest of Saturn's moons.

Titan, the largest of Saturn’s moons – and Homer’s personification of the Sun.

Recite 17 times…

“I am powerful and strong in mind, body, soul and spirit.”

Image sourced from NASA.

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr

Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a comment

Effectiveness = Motivation x Confidence x Competence x Curiosity (Mindfulness in Business Meetings)

QG2 Book Cover 01Extract from Quick Guide II: How to Spot, Mimic and Become a Top Salesperson

Most sales training I’ve come across focuses primarily on developing a salesperson’s skills or competencies, for example: opening, qualifying, questioning, advocating, presenting, negotiating and closing. The intention is that, over time with experience, the salesperson will get better and better at demonstrating these skills. It follows logically that they’ll become more confident in their sales approach and thus hopefully more motivated.

I haven’t seen much in the way of material that focuses on engendering an ongoing sense of curiosity, for example, how can I be the best, if not better, at what I sell?

The E=MC3 equation implies that an individual’s effectiveness is three parts mental and emotional (motivation, competence and curiosity) to one part intellectual (competence).

Let’s take a first pass at each of the qualities: motivation, confidence, competence and curiosity.

Motivation

Most salespeople are motivated to win, especially when the selling is relatively easy. Likewise, most are motivated by earnings and win bonuses. Some are motivated by advancing their career.

What motivates top salespeople? The answers from my research fall into three categories:

1. “To be the best I can be” or “…recognised as the best salesperson there is” – not only the best in terms of results but the best at selling too (outcomes + journey).

2. “To deliver customer value above and beyond that expected.”

3. “To create a legacy so that I am renowned for the value I bring to customers and my organisation’s business.”

In all three categories, the top performers are motivated by being (and being seen as) excellent. ‘Moderates’ talk of winning and earnings but talk less of personal excellence.

Confidence

I worked with a 26 year old CEO of a recruitment firm who had a good reputation for hiring confident as opposed to arrogant people. I was asked to model how he went about the task. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: “How do you differentiate between a confident person and an arrogant one?”

CEO: “Well, I’m not sure; I just get a ‘feeling’.”

Me: “Describe that ‘feeling’.”

CEO: “Well you just sort of know, don’t you? It’s something you sense….. a gut feeling.”

Me: “Okay, imagine you have an arrogant person to your left and a confident to your right. What’s the difference between them?”

CEO: “The confident person asks questions; the arrogant person doesn’t. The confident person probes for where they feel they’ll bring value to the organisation. They look to find out if they will enjoy the role. They seek opportunities for themselves to grow in the role. The arrogant person takes a position that they have the knowledge and wisdom suitable for the job and makes no effort to see how well they’ll fit in.”

Top salespeople exude confidence by the quality of questions they ask as well as the articulacy by which they convey reassurance. (For a framework with which to construct quality sales questions, refer to the INCREASETM model in Number 1 of this series of business guides, Quick Guide – How Top Salespeople Sell.)

Competence

If you stacked all the sales training and development materials in the world on top of one another, you’d probably build a mountain higher than Mount Everest. So I’ll attempt to put a different slant on competence by giving you a customer’s perspective. (For completeness, Appendix 1 lists the skills and knowledge demonstrated by top salespeople at, and away from, the customer interface.)

A corporate salesperson spends, on average, 15% of their time speaking directly to a customer. Ergo, 85% of the time, they apply their skills and knowledge to researching, developing and planning; how to be more effective during the ‘15%’ customer interface window when the occasion arises.

Top performers prepare themselves, intellectually and psychologically, to be at their peak when speaking to the customer. They develop appropriate skills and knowledge (the intellectual exchange) and they also prepare themselves to be in the right frame of mind and body (the mental and emotional exchange) with the customer.

Being perceived as ‘competent’ by the customer requires you to be:

1. Prepared: with insightful questions to ask and have answers to potential customer questions, including facts, data and logic so that your proposals are visionary, ‘grounded in reality’ and hopefully compelling

2. Clear about the outcomes: What do you want to achieve in the meeting both in terms of the task-in-hand and your relationship with the customer (e.g. engender trust). It’s also being very clear about the outcomes the customer might want to achieve, in terms of their task-in-hand and from their relationship with a supplier like you.

Illustration: 4 Outcomes to a Meeting

Outcomes hires croppedMost of us prepare ‘box 1’ before a meeting. Many ‘moderates’ omit boxes 2 and 3 above from their preparatory work. Most salespeople miss out box 4 altogether – often because of a lack of self-belief and sometimes unconsciously. They don’t visualise themselves in a picture working closely with the customer.

3. In the right frame of mind: If you were to prioritise the three factors: Prepared, Clear Outcomes and Frame of Mind – which order would you place them?

Exercise: Allocate three weighting percentages (that add up to 100%) against Prepared, Clear Outcomes and Frame of Mind respectively – in terms of how important they are to being successful during (not before) a meeting.

Research shows…

The most important thing you take into a meeting is your frame of mind.

Be Mindful!

This statement often raises a few queries. It doesn’t say that you shouldn’t prepare diligently for a meeting. What it says instead is – the moment the meeting starts, the single most important factor that will determine your success is your frame of mind. You may well feel you have to do a significant amount of preparation to get yourself ‘centred’, for example. BUT it’s not the process the meeting follows that determines success the most; it’s you, your frame of mind and the thoughts that engender that frame of mind.

Specifically, whatever thought you process in your conscious mind passes straight into your unconscious mind and merges with any ‘subconscious programmes’ running there. The aggregate information is then passed directly to your DNA which vibrates at different rates in accord with your temperament. That is:

The vibe you put out determines your success.

I coached a very successful salesperson who never felt at her best in front of a CEO customer. It took a wee while for us to discover a subconscious programme she’d developed from her authoritarian parents, created by a ‘single significant emotional event’ when she was three years old. Once she ‘released’ this programme, her faith-in-self in front of CEO’s increased significantly. Her sales soared.

Research by scientists (e.g. The Biology of Belief, by Dr Bruce Lipton and The Genie in your Genes, by Dr Matthew Dawson) demonstrates the subliminal communicative functioning power of DNA between human beings which can be harmonious (I prefer the term, ‘resonant’) or out of tune (dissonant) – and at its extreme, disruptive.

Allow me to define ‘being competent’ as not only having the capability to demonstrate requisite skills and knowledge at the  customer interface, it’s also about being competent at preparing yourself to be at your peak, to achieve the gravitas (sometimes called ‘traction’) you seek.

Author’s note: gravitas is something we can all achieve; it’s a result not a gift privy to a chosen few. Only 15% or so of salespeople achieve the ‘customer gravitas’ they seek, hence this book!

Let me add, the competence that customers attribute to you will also include an element of the perceived competence of the solutions you bring to the table, i.e. an acknowledgement of the potential of your solution’s value proposition. Put another way, if the customer has little faith in what you’re selling, even though they value your personal contribution, to what degree will you be invited to participate in the decision making process?

We’ve covered two of the three ‘Cs’ in the E=MC3 equation. A salesperson not only has to be competent in following ‘top sales processes’ (and have potentially ‘competent’ solutions); they need to be confident in their ability and motivated to follow those sales processes too. And still there’s one further factor that determines how effective you are (by seeing what’s really going on), a heightened sense of…

Curiosity

Top salespeople are unstintingly curious. For example, they love to be coached. They are very willing to learn how to become more effective at selling.

Top performers focus on working smarter, not harder, than ‘moderates’

You might ask, “Curious about what?” Answer: “Everything!”

Top salespeople probe below the surface of what’s going on – especially when forging business relationships. Like a metaphorical iceberg, they acknowledge that you only see about 15% above the surface; the obvious facts and logic by which a customer makes a decision. But they don’t stop there, they’re proactive to find the real passions and fears which will motivate or deter key stakeholders in the decision making process.

Curiosity is the sonar signal you emit to track changes on your ‘sales radar screen’. You track political, economic, sociological, technological and organisational developments as well as your competitors’ manoeuvres. At the deepest level, you’re tuning into changes in customers’ feelings, e.g. inspiration, motivation, confidence, sense of security, anger and most of all – trust and fear.

There’s more. You also need to be proactively curious about what might happen. I return to this later.

To summarise: selling is three parts mental/emotional to one part intellectual.

E=MC3, it’s not rocket science!

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr

Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author

Share this blog…

Facebook
Twitter
More...

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a comment

The Decisions You Make, Are They Borne of Love or Fear?

“We change the map of life itself by changing our attitude towards it.”

 from The Mind of the Druid by E G Howe

Mind of the Druid

(Probably the most profound book I’ve ever read. I’ve read it 4 times and I’m still trying to ‘get it!’)

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr

Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a comment

The Currency of All Relationships: Truth, Trust and Passion

QG3 BookCoverPreview.do

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr

Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a comment

It’s Out! Quick Guide II – How to Spot, Mimic and Become a Top Salesperson.

QG2 Book Cover 01Available from Amazon in US, UK and Smashwords in Kindle, paperback and e-book versions.

Publication Date: May 6, 2013 | Series: Quick Guides to Business

Over and above exemplary sales achievements how do ‘you’ (by ‘you’ I mean: you, me, us, we) spot a top salesperson when you meet one? Top salespeople come across differently. There’s a resonance to their mannerisms. If you want to sell as well as they do, how would you go about it? If you were to ask the same questions and give the same answers as they do, would that be enough? No, because you bring your own personality and mannerisms into the equation. It requires the wisdom and will to nurture 7 key traits by which top salespeople outsell ‘moderates’.
This series of ‘Quick Guides to Business’ is borne of research, direct selling experiences and coaching in some of the world’s largest companies including: IBM, Xerox, Cisco, BP, American Express, Standard Chartered and Reckitt Benckiser.


From the Author

I chatted to two advisers about a business book that “I have inside me”. I had original research and experience inside my head. I had data. It delves into people’s effectiveness at strategic and personal levels. I’d developed simple but powerful business frameworks and a scorecard that take people’s feelings, motivations and fears into account.

They reveal what happens below the surface of successful business relationships at their outset – and what needs to happen for those relationships to thrive. I had a lot to tell but would the busy-business people, it’s aimed at, read it? So I tested my ideas and scope for ‘the book’ with two wise confidants.

The first simply said, “At last, I’ve been waiting for you to write ‘your business book’. When are you going to write it? I want a copy!”. The second: “People want ‘quick guides’ these days. They want ‘manageable chunks’ of wisdom, practical tools and ‘cheat sheets’. Something you can read in minutes and do something with straight away.”

Subsequently, I gave a series of briefings to business audiences and post-graduates. The talks were very highly received. The University of London asked me back to talk to a wider range of postgraduates in business-related studies. I am due to go back a third time.

March 2013: I set about writing a series of Quick Guides. Each would have about 10-15 (A4 size) pages of findings, tips, self-help tools and insights into specific topics.

The majority of my work focuses on what top performers do differently from ‘moderates’. I’ve started in sales and sales management, an area in which I’ve coached hundreds of individuals/teams and conducted research – across Europe, the Middle East and Asia.

The first two guides reveal ‘the what, how and why’ top salespeople outsell ‘moderates’. They sequence activities differently. They come across differently. They attune their approach to the most senior of clients resonantly; ‘moderates’ do not.

My next and third Quick Guide… will reveal what needs to happen for business relationships to thrive over the long term.

Summary Bullet Points

This 17-page article (A4 size, excluding appendices) bears from my research, consulting, direct selling and coaching within global corporations over a twenty year period.

Within you will discover how and why top salespeople succeed through:

  • Effectiveness = motivation x confidence x competence x curiosity (or E=MC3)
  • Migrating from selling at D-Level (middle management) to C-Level (senior management) involves a journey, from a tangible and known environment to one of uncertainty and the unknown
  • Engaging a customer effectively and willingly, to co-explore uncertainty and the unknown, requires a salesperson to demonstrate 7 key traits, characteristics and competencies
  1. Faith-in-self
  2. Curiosity
  3. Composure
  4. Sensibility
  5. Co-opting
  6. Inspirational
  7. Passion
  • Top salespeople demonstrate that:
  1. The aforementioned 7 key traits are what really differentiate top performers from ‘moderates’, more so than behaviours in that they predict whether the salesperson will be successful selling directly to C-level clients.
  2. You can spot a top-performer or high-potential individual by noticing how much they demonstrate these 7 key traits.
  3. These key traits are nurtured not ‘trained in the classroom’; the nurturing process can be accelerated by equipping yourself with ‘non-expert’ coaching tools, such as in Appendix 2 – Prepare to Be at your Peak in Every Meeting.

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr
Author of Quick Guide: How Top Salespeople Sell, Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return, 2012: a twist in the tail and Defrag your Soul

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a comment

TftD: Changing your Character, Changes your Life

ChangeMan1Image courtesy of Blaze Institute

…All that happens is the result of character; the only manner in which the destiny can be changed is to change the character…..

the chart of birth….is merely a map of character…..

(and) can be markedly altered in any direction desired.

CC Zain

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr
Author of Quick Guide: How Top Salespeople Sell, Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return, 2012: a twist in the tail and Defrag your Soul

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a comment

What Does It Take to Coach a Top Executive or Performer?

Kevin Price

Any form of business improvement, be it personal or strategic, is a journey, 2 parts emotional to one part intellectual.

I was a guest of Kevin Price, on the Price of Business radio talk-in show on Thursday, 28 March 2013.

Click here to listen.

What does it take to increase the effectiveness of someone who’s already the best (or at least very experienced) at what they do?

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr
Author of Quick Guide: How Top Salespeople Sell, Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return, 2012: a twist in the tail and Defrag your Soul

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a comment

TftD: The 4 Seeds of Negative Karma that Hold you Back

Extract from Defrag your Soul….defrag eye6.5x9.25 v5

Only four things hold you back from that which your heart truly desires….

1.       Shame

 There is no shame in failure but failure is endemic to shame.

2.      Anger/Resentment

 Resentment is like poisoning yourself whilst waiting for someone to die.

 Better still,

 Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.

Sourced from the Internet.

 3.      Sadness/Hurt

 I’ve cried, and you’d think I’d be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps, and it stays in my spine the rest of my life.

Conor Oberst

 4.      Fear

 F. E. A. R. = False expectations appearing real.

These four negative emotions serve a purpose. For example, when you have learned all you need to know about shame, you have readied yourself to appreciate not-shame – i.e. to feel good about yourself. To appreciate a high vibration fully, you need to know about its exact opposite.

Such is duality:

  • Shame –> not-Shame –> e.g. feel okay, feel good, self compassion, caring for self, trusting self, self worth, self liking, self love, love
  • Anger–>not-Anger–>e.g. composed, relaxed, fondness, love
  • Sadness–>not-Sad–>e.g. joy, happiness, serenity, expansion, wisdom, love
  • Fear–>not-Fear–>courage, faith, fearlessness, stillness, wisdom, love.

The opposites of all four seeds of negative karma lead ultimately to love. When you release shame, anger, sadness and fear, you journey towards love, borne of oneness, borne of the divine.

Where does life’s journey take me?

To truth, your truth, love, oneness, your divine self.

Duality: anything that is not truth, not love or not oneness is not divine.

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr
Author of Quick Guide: How Top Salespeople Sell, Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return, 2012: a twist in the tail and Defrag your Soul

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

1 Comment

TftD: New Moon in Libra Tonight

big pink moonFull moon in Libra, heralds you to reflect on what you started in the quest of truth, justice and balance over the last lunar month. A time of completion by which your Crown Chakra irradiates the light of the Sun thoughout your body so that that you shine.
Your progress (luminosity) is impaired only by the untruth, injustice and imbalance by which you treat yourself. Avoid any self judgement too. Instead rebalance.
Your task, nay life purpose, is to shine.

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr
Author of Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return, 2012: a twist in the tail and Defrag your Soul

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a comment

TftD: Truth Goes Hand in Hand with Trust but Ultimately Surpasses It

Honesty

Honesty

Being honest often requires courage. And courage is about letting go of fear and trusting yourself.

Trust is the gap between what you know to be true and what you have faith in.

And truth drives out falsity.

Have faith in, and be true to, yourself (“above all else” as the Bard once said.)

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr
Author of Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return, 2012: a twist in the tail and Defrag your Soul

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a comment

  • Enter your email address to subscribe to this website and receive notifications of new posts by email.

    Join 313 other followers

  • Contact Details

    Paul C Burr PhD
    Email: doctapaul@paulcburr.com
    Skype: pbviaskype (mention this blog, when you connect)

    Skillpages profile

  • Share this page

    Facebook Twitter More...
  • How to Be a Friend of the Devil Within

  • Downloadable in kindle and ebook formats from

  • Available from Amazon and major bookstores:

  • Quick Guide VII – A Top-notch, Sales-Relationships, Account Management Template

  • Downloadable in kindle and ebook formats from

  • Available from Amazon and major bookstores:

  • Quick Guide VI – How to Sell Coaching

  • Downloadable in kindle and ebook formats from

  • Available from Amazon and major bookstores:

  • For The Love of Lilith & How to Put Love into Practice (and Non-attach Yourself to It)

  • Downloadable in kindle and ebook formats from

  • Available from Amazon and major bookstores:

  • Quick Guide V – How to Apply Mindfulness to Business Relationships

  • Downloadable in kindle and ebook formats from

  • Available from Amazon and major bookstores:

  • The Mystique to the Game of Life (and Unrequited Love)

  • Downloadable in kindle and ebook formats from

  • Available from Amazon and major bookstores:

  • Quick Guide IV – A Scorecard that Accounts for Mindfulness in Business

  • Downloadable in kindle and ebook formats from

  • Available from Amazon and major bookstores:

  • Quick Guide III – How to Bridge the Pillars of Successful Business Relationships

  • Downloadable in kindle and ebook formats from

  • Available from Amazon and major bookstores:

    US , UK also Createspace
  • Quick Guide II: How to Spot, Mimic and Become a Top Salesperson

  • Downloadable in kindle and ebook formats from

  • Available from Amazon and major bookstores:

    US & UK also Createspace
  • Quick Guide: How Top Salespeople Sell

  • Downloadable in kindle and ebook formats from

  • Available from Amazon and major bookstores:

    US, UK also Createspace
  • Defrag your Soul

  • Available from Amazon and major bookstores:

  • 2012: a twist in the tail

  • Available from Amazon and major bookstores:

  • Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return

    Available in USA and UK, in paperback and Kindle format

  • Available from Amazon and major bookstores:

    UK, US

  • Doctapaul

    Doctapaul

    Business & Personal Performance Coach, Author, Researcher, Speaker, Energy Healer and Singer.

    View Full Profile →