Posts Tagged unrequited love

Mindfulness Case Study: Unrequited Love

MystiqueExtract from The Mystique to the Game of Life (and Unrequited Love) from Amazon US, UK and worldwide.

Pre-reading to explain some of the terms used, see blog, The Game of Life

Client Case Study of Unrequited Love – Part 4 of 4; Vulnerabilities, Repeating Patterns, Frozen Trauma, Activating Event, Core Beliefs and Dysfunctional Assumptions

My client  recognised the ‘cat and mouse’ nature of the repeating behavioural patterns in a relationship he had with “someone who loves me as a friend and no more”. He would attempt to remain mindful and stay courteously detached when in his partner’s company. He would laugh and joke with her but would not allow himself to get carried away and be overtly affectionate with her – which is what he wanted to do as a natural course of events. She would often hold his hand or touch his neck and shoulder. He would return that affection but only briefly. He feared he would lose his mindfulness and expose any vulnerabilities he held about himself.

After say an hour or so of this ‘cat and mouse’ game, his partner would catch him off guard. For example, she would sit next to him, place her hands between and squeeze his legs half way between his knees and genitalia and then direct his hand to the same position between her legs. She always held his hands firmly so she could direct them to parts of her body where she felt comfortable being touched. My client respected this but in that moment of physical tenderness, he lost his state of mindfulness and yearned that she would allow the touching to continue and become more intimate. But she would never allow that.

As soon as he allowed this state of yearning to arise, his partner would kiss him and hug him several times and leave quickly. He would then feel saddened by her departure. Sometimes that sadness would turn to anger, not towards his partner, but towards himself – for allowing himself to get “sucked into the situation of unrequited yearning” again.

Because of these continuing setbacks, he would question his own motives and whether he was conning himself or not that he really was practising mindfulness. He would question whether mindfulness itself was valid or just a psychologist/spiritualist fad that people have cottoned on to – like The Law of Attraction; of which he would think to himself, “Everybody’s buying books about it and doing it but I don’t see many people attracting the things they really want!”

My client knew his intentions were good and wanted only the best for both he and his partner. He kept going. He remembered to practise patience with and compassion for himself. He waited consciously for the wisdom of what was incomplete in him to arrive. And when it came, he realised that it could only arrive under duress. He would have to attract it wantonly and no-one could help him in this matter.

One night, his partner announced that she was fed up with her life and was going away to France for a week with a view to emigrating there as soon as she could. My client got very upset in the moment but kept his cool. After his partner had left, my client realised that he was still attached to the successful outcomes, he’d defined for the relationship, and that he had to let go of this attachment. He had to stop succumbing to his desires whilst still loving his partner and releasing the anger (the sign of an incompletion) that kept welling up in him. He realised that he’d lost touch with his purpose (the journey to completeness or love) for the relationship and become attached to its outcome instead.

As he ‘gazed’ at the repeating behavioural patterns, he saw the same fear of rejection in his partner that he saw in himself – and the many relationships before her that all had the same ‘cat and mouse’ pattern to them. He realised how he had attracted a series of relationships throughout his life that were all destined to end traumatically in rejection after a short while. It was as if he was seeking this trauma subliminally because of a subconscious programme running within him. (This type of repeating pattern is sometimes referred to as a frozen trauma; frozen in time; frozen in the past tense.)

My client sought the source of his repeating traumas. Under therapy, he went back to his childhood and kept going back in time until he reached the very beginning.

He was two months in the womb. His subconscious mind became alert to his mother not wanting a child. His mother was rejecting him before he had even been born. This was the source of his frozen trauma in time and he had been living out a reaction to this rejection all his life.

Inspired by druidic wisdom…

Life requires wholeness. The subconscious mind prompts the attraction of events and people who mirror what is incomplete within us. Some of us try to escape from this ‘requirement’ by…

1. Lapsing into a state of depression so that we won’t even want to get out bed in the morning to face life.

2. Building a psychological shield to protect ourselves from repeating a trauma, in this case ‘rejection’, i.e. we deny ourselves the facility to love and be loved wholly for fear of rejection.

Or

3. Distracting ourselves from thinking about the incompleteness in our lives through drink, drugs, gambling, sex, mindless TV and the like.

The only alternative is to journey the road to wholeness, completeness, love. All other roads lead back this road eventually. In this, we have no choice.

My client could now see more clearly how his partner was acting out on his behalf the frozen trauma he first had with his mother. A trauma (incompleteness) that he still hadn’t resolved within himself. In seeing (becoming a seer) he had already taken a major step and readied himself to take the next one.

Together we sought the activating event by which my client started the relationship patterns that would reflect his frozen trauma in time. He was 13 years old and earned pocket money gardening. He attracted the attention of a 32 year old spinster with whom he entered into a sexual relationship that lasted for three years. He fulfilled his nascent adolescent desire for sex but, he also felt very guilty after every recreational encounter with the woman. He felt he “had sinned before God”.

Yet it was only now that he saw the subliminal reason for participating in underage sex. He felt that he could control the woman. He could say how, when and where they came together. And if she were to reject him, he held the threat of reporting her actions to the authorities.

My client saw how, following this activating event, he (even with what he thought was good intention) would use generosity to woo, or coldness to threaten, women to get what he wanted from their relationship and avoid rejection. And he had used both strategies on his existing partner to no avail. She refused him intimacy because she had her own holding patterns running. And yet my client and his partner both talked of the special connection between them and their love for one another.

My client had now taken a further step, under therapy, to unearth the wisdom of the incompleteness he was hiding from himself. As he sat in silence, I got my client to focus on where and how the prospect of releasing himself from his frozen trauma affected his physical body. He described the feeling of locked or trapped energy, as he pointed to the centre of his chest, half way up his sternum.

I got my client to shine light into the area and asked him what core beliefs (about self) did he see or hear that blocked the flow of energy (chi) through his body. He spoke of four things: two core beliefs and two dysfunctional assumptions (about others) with which he allowed to hold himself back…

1. All relationships and agreements break eventually (dysfunctional assumption).

2. I am unworthy of a lasting relationship (core belief).

3. Women are out to hurt me (dysfunctional assumption).

4. I must have the power to be able to hurt them first. With this power I can threaten or control them (core belief).

I reminded my client that…

A belief is merely a thought that we hold true for a long time. It is no more true or false than any other thought. A thought is not a fact and, as Eckhart Toll reminds us, “You are not your thoughts”.

My client now had all the information he needed at his disposal to avoid him getting “sucked in” to the same old behavioural patterns he’d been subjecting himself to. Was this ‘game over?’ No. He still had to do the work mindfully to avoid reacting to his partner’s ‘cat and mouse’ behaviours. Instead he determined to show her love, enthusiasm, compassion, patience and continue to work on his own completeness.

His partner still had her own holding patterns to work on but it was not within his power or right to change her. It was within his power to change himself only, i.e. change the relationship to the relationship he had with his partner. And by replacing ‘reaction’ with ‘action’, he was prepared to trust himself, the process of mindfulness and his journey to love, regardless of whether that love was requited or not.

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr
Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author
Facebook:
Beowulf (>16,000 followers)

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A Meditation on Unrequited Love

Love is Not-love Until…

AngelThe battles I have fought to have you choose love.

I have mustered the elements in vain.

With swords, wands and wealth,

I hold out the chalice of love to seal our bond.

Yet I cannot enchant your will,

To drink its golden promise.

Time after time, we kiss, we embrace, we fear, we part.

Later, we come together again.

Drawn like moths to the flames in one another’s hearts;

Again we kiss, we embrace, we fear…

The dark, a void between us, too great to span.

I’ve stood close to its edge, too fearful to jump,

Into the shadows where lies a monster,

Borne from an age gone by.

Resurrected within us, through childhood memories,

Too dark to look back, too hurtful to recall.

The monster, from Past, feeds on our fears.

Our karmic pact to slay the beast remains incomplete.

And so the monster returns to Future

Which presents itself to us now.

My soul cries “enough!”

I choose to descend the depths where my light shines dimly.

I hope you’ll join me but I, resolved,

Commit to love you regardless.

I have wanted you, as I have wanted no other.

I have attracted you as I have attracted no other

I have repelled you, as I have repelled no other.

And…

I love you, as I have loved no other.

You love me, as you have loved no other.

And still…

We cannot be as one until the beast is slain

In the smoke below the beast takes form.

In its gut burns anger.

Its throat chokes with fear.

In its head hangs shame

And in its heart festers hurt, a wound that will not heal.

I approach with sword and shield

And beast is gone.

Again… and it is gone.

Again… and it is gone.

I wait silently.

Out of the black appears a face, familiar.

I lay down my weapons of convention.

The bellows part to reveal a mirror.

Before me stands Past;

A heavy yolk I have carried all my life.

Childhood grief pierces my heart.

As I lift the yolk to bear its weight,

All conflict unresolved wounds my body.

My mind panics. I want to cast off my mantle

And run away, like so many times before.

Yet I remain still and empty my mind.

I create a circle of light to protect me

And look to the Light within.

I see through Past’s deception;

To rob me of golden Future now,

The present moment eternal.

I stand on the shoreline of unconsciousness

I hear voices but no words of wisdom

I see with no eyes

I feel without touch.

The Light fills my body

The anger calms

The hurt heals

The shame lifts

I shine the light…

Towards the dark door to Future.

At which I hear ‘the knock’.

I am tempted to flee again,

Back from whence I came, to Past,

Who beckons me to turn back from what Future offers.

Whilst my innermost fear locks the door tight.

Instead I choose courage.

To become fearless; I turn the lock

To greet the stranger without.

Before me stands an angel.

I bid her welcome.

She dines with me and I with her as…

She reveals the illusion of my fear.

I see all that remains incomplete

Core beliefs I allow to deceive myself

False assumptions that ward off love, not danger.

I feel a fool, pathetic, as the angel speaks.

“Acknowledge that Future reveals all that you do not love about yourself,

Given to it by Past.

Yet Future’s other gift is Present.

The gift to complete all that is incomplete.

Love is complete. All that is not complete, incomplete, is not Love.

Present is now. All that is not now is not present. It is illusion. It is not.

And yet you allow what is not to determine your path.

Instead choose what you want, ‘success’. Future will bring it to you after you have completed the incomplete; release the fears by which you shield yourself from ‘not-success’.)

Venture towards ‘success’ and ‘not-success’ together. Bid Future to bring you your fears. The Journey to Love requires that you release them.

Then let go of success and not-success; focus only on the Journey.

Practise love, self-love first and thence for all.

Practise compassion, self-compassion first and thence for all.

Practise patience, first with self then others

Practise completeness, by releasing all fear from self.

As your fear of ‘not-success’ dispels then Future presents no more fear.

Not-success disappears, leaving only ‘success’.

You create success out of the nothingness of no fear.

This is how the Ancients practised magic.

A warrior is brave, fearless, prepared for battle.

A magician is wise, fearlessness, sees through the illusion of fears past; no need for bravery anymore.

Your purpose is to shine the Love; the Light that you, complete, are.

Trust yourself.

Trust the process and you travel in wisdom

That others cannot see yet.

Yet you see, become a seer,

Shine the light for others to see, for themselves.”

Our meal complete the angel leaves.

I ascend from the avoid and see you close, at its edge.

I make no motion to encourage you my love.

The choice to meet your angel is yours and yours alone.

And I shall love you regardless.

Image courtesy of rapgenius

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr
Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author
Facebook:
Beowulf (>16,000 followers)

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