Paul C Burr
- #Business Client Testimonials
- #Client Testimonials
- Business Client List
- Business Coaching
- Business Consulting Services
- Change your Character, Change your Destiny
- Change your Life in 90 Minutes!
- Defrag your Soul
- Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return (series, now of four books)
- My Skills & Passions
- Quick Guides to Business
Posts Tagged unrequited love
Mindfulness Case Study: Unrequited Love
Posted by Doctapaul in Affirmations, book, Healing, Life's Changes, Love, Mindfulness, Personal, Pitfalls I've Fallen Into, Relationships, Self Development, Soundbytes of Wisdom on September 20, 2013
Extract from The Mystique to the Game of Life (and Unrequited Love) from Amazon US, UK and worldwide.
Pre-reading to explain some of the terms used, see blog, The Game of Life
Client Case Study of Unrequited Love – Part 4 of 4; Vulnerabilities, Repeating Patterns, Frozen Trauma, Activating Event, Core Beliefs and Dysfunctional Assumptions
My client recognised the ‘cat and mouse’ nature of the repeating behavioural patterns in a relationship he had with “someone who loves me as a friend and no more”. He would attempt to remain mindful and stay courteously detached when in his partner’s company. He would laugh and joke with her but would not allow himself to get carried away and be overtly affectionate with her – which is what he wanted to do as a natural course of events. She would often hold his hand or touch his neck and shoulder. He would return that affection but only briefly. He feared he would lose his mindfulness and expose any vulnerabilities he held about himself.
After say an hour or so of this ‘cat and mouse’ game, his partner would catch him off guard. For example, she would sit next to him, place her hands between and squeeze his legs half way between his knees and genitalia and then direct his hand to the same position between her legs. She always held his hands firmly so she could direct them to parts of her body where she felt comfortable being touched. My client respected this but in that moment of physical tenderness, he lost his state of mindfulness and yearned that she would allow the touching to continue and become more intimate. But she would never allow that.
As soon as he allowed this state of yearning to arise, his partner would kiss him and hug him several times and leave quickly. He would then feel saddened by her departure. Sometimes that sadness would turn to anger, not towards his partner, but towards himself – for allowing himself to get “sucked into the situation of unrequited yearning” again.
Because of these continuing setbacks, he would question his own motives and whether he was conning himself or not that he really was practising mindfulness. He would question whether mindfulness itself was valid or just a psychologist/spiritualist fad that people have cottoned on to – like The Law of Attraction; of which he would think to himself, “Everybody’s buying books about it and doing it but I don’t see many people attracting the things they really want!”
My client knew his intentions were good and wanted only the best for both he and his partner. He kept going. He remembered to practise patience with and compassion for himself. He waited consciously for the wisdom of what was incomplete in him to arrive. And when it came, he realised that it could only arrive under duress. He would have to attract it wantonly and no-one could help him in this matter.
One night, his partner announced that she was fed up with her life and was going away to France for a week with a view to emigrating there as soon as she could. My client got very upset in the moment but kept his cool. After his partner had left, my client realised that he was still attached to the successful outcomes, he’d defined for the relationship, and that he had to let go of this attachment. He had to stop succumbing to his desires whilst still loving his partner and releasing the anger (the sign of an incompletion) that kept welling up in him. He realised that he’d lost touch with his purpose (the journey to completeness or love) for the relationship and become attached to its outcome instead.
As he ‘gazed’ at the repeating behavioural patterns, he saw the same fear of rejection in his partner that he saw in himself – and the many relationships before her that all had the same ‘cat and mouse’ pattern to them. He realised how he had attracted a series of relationships throughout his life that were all destined to end traumatically in rejection after a short while. It was as if he was seeking this trauma subliminally because of a subconscious programme running within him. (This type of repeating pattern is sometimes referred to as a frozen trauma; frozen in time; frozen in the past tense.)
My client sought the source of his repeating traumas. Under therapy, he went back to his childhood and kept going back in time until he reached the very beginning.
He was two months in the womb. His subconscious mind became alert to his mother not wanting a child. His mother was rejecting him before he had even been born. This was the source of his frozen trauma in time and he had been living out a reaction to this rejection all his life.
Inspired by druidic wisdom…
Life requires wholeness. The subconscious mind prompts the attraction of events and people who mirror what is incomplete within us. Some of us try to escape from this ‘requirement’ by…
1. Lapsing into a state of depression so that we won’t even want to get out bed in the morning to face life.
2. Building a psychological shield to protect ourselves from repeating a trauma, in this case ‘rejection’, i.e. we deny ourselves the facility to love and be loved wholly for fear of rejection.
3. Distracting ourselves from thinking about the incompleteness in our lives through drink, drugs, gambling, sex, mindless TV and the like.
The only alternative is to journey the road to wholeness, completeness, love. All other roads lead back this road eventually. In this, we have no choice.
My client could now see more clearly how his partner was acting out on his behalf the frozen trauma he first had with his mother. A trauma (incompleteness) that he still hadn’t resolved within himself. In seeing (becoming a seer) he had already taken a major step and readied himself to take the next one.
Together we sought the activating event by which my client started the relationship patterns that would reflect his frozen trauma in time. He was 13 years old and earned pocket money gardening. He attracted the attention of a 32 year old spinster with whom he entered into a sexual relationship that lasted for three years. He fulfilled his nascent adolescent desire for sex but, he also felt very guilty after every recreational encounter with the woman. He felt he “had sinned before God”.
Yet it was only now that he saw the subliminal reason for participating in underage sex. He felt that he could control the woman. He could say how, when and where they came together. And if she were to reject him, he held the threat of reporting her actions to the authorities.
My client saw how, following this activating event, he (even with what he thought was good intention) would use generosity to woo, or coldness to threaten, women to get what he wanted from their relationship and avoid rejection. And he had used both strategies on his existing partner to no avail. She refused him intimacy because she had her own holding patterns running. And yet my client and his partner both talked of the special connection between them and their love for one another.
My client had now taken a further step, under therapy, to unearth the wisdom of the incompleteness he was hiding from himself. As he sat in silence, I got my client to focus on where and how the prospect of releasing himself from his frozen trauma affected his physical body. He described the feeling of locked or trapped energy, as he pointed to the centre of his chest, half way up his sternum.
I got my client to shine light into the area and asked him what core beliefs (about self) did he see or hear that blocked the flow of energy (chi) through his body. He spoke of four things: two core beliefs and two dysfunctional assumptions (about others) with which he allowed to hold himself back…
1. All relationships and agreements break eventually (dysfunctional assumption).
2. I am unworthy of a lasting relationship (core belief).
3. Women are out to hurt me (dysfunctional assumption).
4. I must have the power to be able to hurt them first. With this power I can threaten or control them (core belief).
I reminded my client that…
A belief is merely a thought that we hold true for a long time. It is no more true or false than any other thought. A thought is not a fact and, as Eckhart Toll reminds us, “You are not your thoughts”.
My client now had all the information he needed at his disposal to avoid him getting “sucked in” to the same old behavioural patterns he’d been subjecting himself to. Was this ‘game over?’ No. He still had to do the work mindfully to avoid reacting to his partner’s ‘cat and mouse’ behaviours. Instead he determined to show her love, enthusiasm, compassion, patience and continue to work on his own completeness.
His partner still had her own holding patterns to work on but it was not within his power or right to change her. It was within his power to change himself only, i.e. change the relationship to the relationship he had with his partner. And by replacing ‘reaction’ with ‘action’, he was prepared to trust himself, the process of mindfulness and his journey to love, regardless of whether that love was requited or not.
Paul C Burr
Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author
Facebook: Beowulf (>16,000 followers)
#mindfulness, abusive relationships, accountability, Ancient Wisdom, consciousness, courage, druid, druidism, druidry, Gnostic, Gnosticism, karma, law of attraction, law of consequence, Law of Reversibility, life purpose, love, magician, metaphysical, mindfulness, pagan, paganism, relationship problems, relationships, responsibility, sadness, self help, spiritual, Truth, unconditional love, unconscious mind, unrequited love
A Meditation on Unrequited Love
Posted by Doctapaul in Healing, Life's Changes, Love, Mindfulness, Personal, Pitfalls I've Fallen Into, Poetry, Relationships, Self Development, Soundbytes of Wisdom, Tip for the Day, Visions and Dreams on August 7, 2013
Love is Not-love Until…
The battles I have fought to have you choose love.
I have mustered the elements in vain.
With swords, wands and wealth,
I hold out the chalice of love to seal our bond.
Yet I cannot enchant your will,
To drink its golden promise.
Time after time, we kiss, we embrace, we fear, we part.
Later, we come together again.
Drawn like moths to the flames in one another’s hearts;
Again we kiss, we embrace, we fear…
The dark, a void between us, too great to span.
I’ve stood close to its edge, too fearful to jump,
Into the shadows where lies a monster,
Borne from an age gone by.
Resurrected within us, through childhood memories,
Too dark to look back, too hurtful to recall.
The monster, from Past, feeds on our fears.
Our karmic pact to slay the beast remains incomplete.
And so the monster returns to Future
Which presents itself to us now.
My soul cries “enough!”
I choose to descend the depths where my light shines dimly.
I hope you’ll join me but I, resolved,
Commit to love you regardless.
I have wanted you, as I have wanted no other.
I have attracted you as I have attracted no other
I have repelled you, as I have repelled no other.
I love you, as I have loved no other.
You love me, as you have loved no other.
We cannot be as one until the beast is slain
In the smoke below the beast takes form.
In its gut burns anger.
Its throat chokes with fear.
In its head hangs shame
And in its heart festers hurt, a wound that will not heal.
I approach with sword and shield
And beast is gone.
Again… and it is gone.
Again… and it is gone.
I wait silently.
Out of the black appears a face, familiar.
I lay down my weapons of convention.
The bellows part to reveal a mirror.
Before me stands Past;
A heavy yolk I have carried all my life.
Childhood grief pierces my heart.
As I lift the yolk to bear its weight,
All conflict unresolved wounds my body.
My mind panics. I want to cast off my mantle
And run away, like so many times before.
Yet I remain still and empty my mind.
I create a circle of light to protect me
And look to the Light within.
I see through Past’s deception;
To rob me of golden Future now,
The present moment eternal.
I stand on the shoreline of unconsciousness
I hear voices but no words of wisdom
I see with no eyes
I feel without touch.
The Light fills my body
The anger calms
The hurt heals
The shame lifts
I shine the light…
Towards the dark door to Future.
At which I hear ‘the knock’.
I am tempted to flee again,
Back from whence I came, to Past,
Who beckons me to turn back from what Future offers.
Whilst my innermost fear locks the door tight.
Instead I choose courage.
To become fearless; I turn the lock
To greet the stranger without.
Before me stands an angel.
I bid her welcome.
She dines with me and I with her as…
She reveals the illusion of my fear.
I see all that remains incomplete
Core beliefs I allow to deceive myself
False assumptions that ward off love, not danger.
I feel a fool, pathetic, as the angel speaks.
“Acknowledge that Future reveals all that you do not love about yourself,
Given to it by Past.
Yet Future’s other gift is Present.
The gift to complete all that is incomplete.
Love is complete. All that is not complete, incomplete, is not Love.
Present is now. All that is not now is not present. It is illusion. It is not.
And yet you allow what is not to determine your path.
Instead choose what you want, ‘success’. Future will bring it to you after you have completed the incomplete; release the fears by which you shield yourself from ‘not-success’.)
Venture towards ‘success’ and ‘not-success’ together. Bid Future to bring you your fears. The Journey to Love requires that you release them.
Then let go of success and not-success; focus only on the Journey.
Practise love, self-love first and thence for all.
Practise compassion, self-compassion first and thence for all.
Practise patience, first with self then others
Practise completeness, by releasing all fear from self.
As your fear of ‘not-success’ dispels then Future presents no more fear.
Not-success disappears, leaving only ‘success’.
You create success out of the nothingness of no fear.
This is how the Ancients practised magic.
A warrior is brave, fearless, prepared for battle.
A magician is wise, fearlessness, sees through the illusion of fears past; no need for bravery anymore.
Your purpose is to shine the Love; the Light that you, complete, are.
Trust the process and you travel in wisdom
That others cannot see yet.
Yet you see, become a seer,
Shine the light for others to see, for themselves.”
Our meal complete the angel leaves.
I ascend from the avoid and see you close, at its edge.
I make no motion to encourage you my love.
The choice to meet your angel is yours and yours alone.
And I shall love you regardless.
Image courtesy of rapgenius
Paul C Burr
Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author
Facebook: Beowulf (>16,000 followers)
abusive relationships, accountability, Ancient Wisdom, angel, anger, Beowulf, Chakras, consciousness, courage, daily thought, druid, druidism, druidry, EFT, Gnostic, Gnosticism, karma, law of attraction, law of consequence, Law of Reversibility, life purpose, love, magician, metaphysical, pagan, paganism, relationship problems, relationships, responsibility, sadness, self help, spiritual, tarot, tip, tip for the day, Truth, unrequited love, warrior, words of wisdom
Please click on the CATEGORY of the blog you would like to read…
- Blog All
- Current Affairs & The Economy
- Fun and Laughs
- Life's Changes
- Pitfalls I've Fallen Into
- Quirky Ideas
- Self Development
- Self Help
- Soundbytes of Wisdom
- Tip for the Day
- Training & Development
- Visions and Dreams
"...excellent (sales) training with my guys. What have you done to them? Outstanding...."- Graham Hill, CEO, Verbatim, The Phone Answering Service. Aug 2015.
"Paul C Burr is always worth reading. He is erudite, experienced and thought provoking. Highly recommended!" - Nigel Temple, CEO, Marketing Compass, http://www.marketingcompass.co.uk/
"For The Love of Lilith, it's a great book !!
I read it from the end to middle then back to the beginning to the middle. This way worked for me. But I am always going back on it when my intuition requests it." - Gabi, London
(After 'clearing of fears that hold you back'.) "Thanks to you, I've been awarded a government grant for my project. This week has been amazing. You're not just a creator; you're a deliberate creator. Keep sending those vibrations and witness magical appearances." - Jonathan Buffong, Author
About Quick Guide: How Top Salespeople Sell, "... a must read for both novice and experienced salespeople..." - Chiahou Zhang, Author
About Quick Guide: How Top Salespeople Sell, “I work for a large American IT company, and can say this is a hugely powerful book to articulate what is required to get to Board level. To really understand what the CEO and C level executive summarise as valuable and impactful, and in a condensed easy-to-digest format, is phenomenal. I find Paul C Burr's style of writing easier to digest and apply in any sales situation; it crystallises where the true business value add is delivered and how you really have strategic partnerships. I have just got number 2 book and look forward to reading this with excitement - which is saying something as my concentration span can be limited. Thank you.” - Amy Lambkin, Amazon review
About Quick Guide: How Top Salespeople Sell, “I loved it... it was great. I’ve encouraged many of my directors to buy a copy as it’s very pertinent to my company” - paraphrased from a top performing B2B salesperson for a global IT Services organisation.
"Letting go of fear and negativity, I feel like I am now seeing everything in glorious technicolour, have been given the space to dream and together with reciting the affirmations, I feel wonderful :-) "
Sameera de Silva, London
"I would like to thank Paul for sharing his impressive skills and enabling me to finally connect, and disconnect, with the last thread of the old me. His etheric cleansing process is quick and easy and allows for instant access to the valuable information that empowers you to create the clearing and changes most required. I would recommend this process to absolutely anyone on a spiritual path and to individuals caught on the hamster wheel of life, where little progress is seen for the amount of effort put in. Paul's cleansing is precise and swiftly creates the shift you've battled to create for yourself."
Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return: "One of the best books I have read & worked with...."
"Your coaching took my life to another dimension and I live with my head high because of you.Thank you."
Charles Burton, Personal Trainer, Dancer, European Amateur Natural Bodybuilding Champion
“Paul, Thank you for your inspiring, in-depth and highly informative session last week, you taught me to unblock all my inner fears and to know why they were there in the first place. You are a calm influence, and it was your confidence which inspired me so much, as you are not at all egoistic in your guidance. You have shown me the side of myself I always wanted to greet, but didn’t believe was there.
You gave me the greatest gift I could ever have received which is to know my own being, and this is why I will always be grateful, and never forget our work last week. I now have found the path to not only happiness, but wisdom too. They say happy is the wise man, and I might add happy is this wise woman, through meeting a wise man, thank you again.”
Georgie Shellis, Harrow
Money barely represents what a single session is worth."
“I cannot echo enough what Naomi in Hove says ” Money barely represents what a single session is worth”. What you have done for me has literally changed my life with it’s amazing instant and personalised affect. My physical pain after one week of the session has been halved, so impressive that my Osteopath noticed it, my back less rigid for instance. And as for my formerly traumatic life, well now I understand my purpose, why things happened in childhood etc. I know feel like a sea bird observing its life, perched high on a cliff top, and like that bird, I feel that I have the entire navigational control of my life. For the first time I might add in forty two years so far! Thank you Paul, immensely,”
Emma Andrews – Brighton
"I would never have expected it but after 10 years of emotional dependence, I am now totally not bothered by it, this is amazing!”
“I already feel very differently. It can be hard to come to terms with change when it's not what you want, even though you know resistance is futile, but now I can see where I'm headed, it's easier to accept that the change is already in progress and that it's a good thing, thanks again.”
Gemma (via telephone), London
AMAZON: 5.0 out of 5 stars Highly recommended
C. L. Eveleigh (Reading, UK)
This review is from: Learn to Love & Be Loved in Return: Making Relationships Last (Paperback)
This is a book about much more than romantic relationships. It is written with wonderful honesty and sincerity about love, the breakdown of relationships and how we relate to one another. It is a book that provides great insights into our own behaviour, as well as how we relate to others. It immensely readable, and I'm finding myself dipping into it over and over again for the many ideas, exercises and insights within its covers. Highly recommended whether you are in a relationship, just starting one, or looking for a relationship that will last.
Paul’s engaging style and personable character perfectly suit professional coaching. I have completed a recent programme. My performance, at work, has gone from strength to strength. I am now equipped with the tools to take me to previously unimagined business heights. Thank you Paul!
Robert Syrad, Erevena, Executive Search Services
Paul’s genius for business coaching helped me get clarity on a number of issues very quickly. I trust Paul as my coach. I appreciate his honesty and business expertise. In particular, I really value Paul’s flexibility in stepping into the role of a mentor, when he can see the benefit of doing so.
Is there any point in me saying that Paul comes highly recommended?
Romilla Ready, Lead Author, NLP for Dummies
"…your coaching technique! Bloody amazing".
Claire Dickson, Former Management Development Director
with Dixons and United Biscuits
- Join 314 other subscribers
Paul C Burr PhD
Facebook: Docta Paul
Quick Guide VII – A Top-notch, Sales-Relationships, Account Management Template
Quick Guide VI – How to Sell Coaching
Available from Amazon and major bookstores:US UK & Createspace
Available from Amazon and major bookstores:US, UK & Createspace
Available from Amazon and major bookstores:US , UK also Createspace
Available from Amazon and major bookstores:US & UK also Createspace
Available from Amazon and major bookstores:US, UK also Createspace
Defrag your Soul
Available from Amazon and major bookstores:
Available from Amazon and major bookstores:UK,US also Createspace
Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return
My Shelfari bookshelf
- The Shack by Wm. Paul Young
- [ Chiron and the Healing Journey ] CHIRON AND THE HEALING... by Melanie R Reinhart
- Druidcraft Tarot Deck (Tarot Cards) by Phillip...
Retired: Business & Personal Performance Coach, Author, Researcher, Speaker, Energy Healer and Singer.