Posts Tagged relationship problems

The Mystique to the Game of Life

IMG_1662Extracts from my forthcoming booklet (now in draft form, being proof-read):

The Mystique to the Game of Life (and Unrequited Love)

#Mindfulness in Relationships Series, No 1

Have you ever loved someone so dearly and have that love not returned? The other person shares everything apart from their love. They refuse to surrender themselves to the process of love; the unconditional surrender of freedom to the commitment that love requires.

Have you ever felt sick to the stomach over unrequited love?

Have you ever yearned in your heart or loins for someone when your head is telling you…

  • “This is absolutely the wrong partner for you”?
  • “Bottom line, she/he just doesn’t fancy you”?
  • “You and him/her, it’s never going to happen”?

Or something like

  • “She/he simply doesn’t love you the way you love her/him”?

Your head judges, your loins desire sexual fulfilment and your heart seeks to share love. I call this the Head, Heart and Loins dynamics of a relationship. When all three are aligned, within and between partners, their relationship is probably in good shape to meet the outcomes they seek. (The same holds true for a personal friendship whether there is a sexual element to that friendship or not.) I speak neither of good nor bad, nor moralise. I speak of the process of achieving a purpose through the journey to the goals you set for the relationship, be those goals profound or for short term recreation.

Mindfulness, sometimes referred to as being present in the moment, is the process of creating love, enthusiasm, compassion, patience and completeness in the moment (by moment) – regardless of whether these vibrations are returned or not. It takes mindfulness to fulfil a relationship’s true purpose, which curiously can be achieved whether the goals are achieved or not.

For example, in movies and songs I’ve heard the phrase, “You complete me”. Well if someone’s purpose is to become complete and they set a goal to find someone who completes them – what happens should they achieve completeness? They no longer need someone else for that purpose.

Other people don’t complete you. You find ‘completeness’ through the journey to ‘completeness’; you find ‘oneness’.

Mindfulness is the vehicle by which to travel the journey.

Shine on…!
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Paul C Burr
Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author
Facebook: Beowulf
(>16,000 followers)

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How to Be at your Peak in Every Key Meeting

QGIV Book Cover 3MbExtract from Quick Guide IV – A Scorecard that Accounts for Mindfulness in Business

Top performers do three essential things to be at their peak.

1. Clarify your outcomes for the meeting in hand and how you want the relationship with the person to develop, meeting by meeting, one step at a time. Moderate performers focus less on the latter dimension.

2. Be mindful of the frame of the mind you want to be in and that any meeting (is hopefully a meeting of minds) is ultimately about helping everyone present to frame a congruent viewpoint of what needs to be done.

3. Prepare your strategy, primarily so that you allow yourself to get in the frame of mind you want to be.

Research I’ve come across and my own experience shows that the most important thing you take into a meeting is your frame of mind followed by being clear about the outcomes you seek. Having a strategy is important but, once the meeting has started, it’s factors ‘2’ and ‘1’ above (and in that order) that will determine most how you ‘handle any curve balls thrown your way’.

Shine on…!
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Paul C Burr

Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author

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“I Feel Good, dah-dah dah-dah dah-dah-dah!”

james-brown

Your outlook in life goes hand in hand with your personality. Personality is a long term habit. A habit is a long term mood. A mood is a long term feeling. So when you feel good and stay feeling good, you shape your outlook for the better. Do and say what feels good. If what you’re about to do doesn’t feel good, don’t do it!

Shine on…!
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Paul C Burr

Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author

Image courtesy of Fans Share

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Affirmation for today, 3 July 2013, from Titan

 

Titan, the largest of Saturn's moons.

Titan, the largest of Saturn’s moons – and Homer’s personification of the Sun.

Recite 17 times…

“I am powerful and strong in mind, body, soul and spirit.”

Image sourced from NASA.

Shine on…!
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Paul C Burr

Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author

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Effectiveness = Motivation x Confidence x Competence x Curiosity (Mindfulness in Business Meetings)

QG2 Book Cover 01Extract from Quick Guide II: How to Spot, Mimic and Become a Top Salesperson

Most sales training I’ve come across focuses primarily on developing a salesperson’s skills or competencies, for example: opening, qualifying, questioning, advocating, presenting, negotiating and closing. The intention is that, over time with experience, the salesperson will get better and better at demonstrating these skills. It follows logically that they’ll become more confident in their sales approach and thus hopefully more motivated.

I haven’t seen much in the way of material that focuses on engendering an ongoing sense of curiosity, for example, how can I be the best, if not better, at what I sell?

The E=MC3 equation implies that an individual’s effectiveness is three parts mental and emotional (motivation, competence and curiosity) to one part intellectual (competence).

Let’s take a first pass at each of the qualities: motivation, confidence, competence and curiosity.

Motivation

Most salespeople are motivated to win, especially when the selling is relatively easy. Likewise, most are motivated by earnings and win bonuses. Some are motivated by advancing their career.

What motivates top salespeople? The answers from my research fall into three categories:

1. “To be the best I can be” or “…recognised as the best salesperson there is” – not only the best in terms of results but the best at selling too (outcomes + journey).

2. “To deliver customer value above and beyond that expected.”

3. “To create a legacy so that I am renowned for the value I bring to customers and my organisation’s business.”

In all three categories, the top performers are motivated by being (and being seen as) excellent. ‘Moderates’ talk of winning and earnings but talk less of personal excellence.

Confidence

I worked with a 26 year old CEO of a recruitment firm who had a good reputation for hiring confident as opposed to arrogant people. I was asked to model how he went about the task. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: “How do you differentiate between a confident person and an arrogant one?”

CEO: “Well, I’m not sure; I just get a ‘feeling’.”

Me: “Describe that ‘feeling’.”

CEO: “Well you just sort of know, don’t you? It’s something you sense….. a gut feeling.”

Me: “Okay, imagine you have an arrogant person to your left and a confident to your right. What’s the difference between them?”

CEO: “The confident person asks questions; the arrogant person doesn’t. The confident person probes for where they feel they’ll bring value to the organisation. They look to find out if they will enjoy the role. They seek opportunities for themselves to grow in the role. The arrogant person takes a position that they have the knowledge and wisdom suitable for the job and makes no effort to see how well they’ll fit in.”

Top salespeople exude confidence by the quality of questions they ask as well as the articulacy by which they convey reassurance. (For a framework with which to construct quality sales questions, refer to the INCREASETM model in Number 1 of this series of business guides, Quick Guide – How Top Salespeople Sell.)

Competence

If you stacked all the sales training and development materials in the world on top of one another, you’d probably build a mountain higher than Mount Everest. So I’ll attempt to put a different slant on competence by giving you a customer’s perspective. (For completeness, Appendix 1 lists the skills and knowledge demonstrated by top salespeople at, and away from, the customer interface.)

A corporate salesperson spends, on average, 15% of their time speaking directly to a customer. Ergo, 85% of the time, they apply their skills and knowledge to researching, developing and planning; how to be more effective during the ‘15%’ customer interface window when the occasion arises.

Top performers prepare themselves, intellectually and psychologically, to be at their peak when speaking to the customer. They develop appropriate skills and knowledge (the intellectual exchange) and they also prepare themselves to be in the right frame of mind and body (the mental and emotional exchange) with the customer.

Being perceived as ‘competent’ by the customer requires you to be:

1. Prepared: with insightful questions to ask and have answers to potential customer questions, including facts, data and logic so that your proposals are visionary, ‘grounded in reality’ and hopefully compelling

2. Clear about the outcomes: What do you want to achieve in the meeting both in terms of the task-in-hand and your relationship with the customer (e.g. engender trust). It’s also being very clear about the outcomes the customer might want to achieve, in terms of their task-in-hand and from their relationship with a supplier like you.

Illustration: 4 Outcomes to a Meeting

Outcomes hires croppedMost of us prepare ‘box 1’ before a meeting. Many ‘moderates’ omit boxes 2 and 3 above from their preparatory work. Most salespeople miss out box 4 altogether – often because of a lack of self-belief and sometimes unconsciously. They don’t visualise themselves in a picture working closely with the customer.

3. In the right frame of mind: If you were to prioritise the three factors: Prepared, Clear Outcomes and Frame of Mind – which order would you place them?

Exercise: Allocate three weighting percentages (that add up to 100%) against Prepared, Clear Outcomes and Frame of Mind respectively – in terms of how important they are to being successful during (not before) a meeting.

Research shows…

The most important thing you take into a meeting is your frame of mind.

Be Mindful!

This statement often raises a few queries. It doesn’t say that you shouldn’t prepare diligently for a meeting. What it says instead is – the moment the meeting starts, the single most important factor that will determine your success is your frame of mind. You may well feel you have to do a significant amount of preparation to get yourself ‘centred’, for example. BUT it’s not the process the meeting follows that determines success the most; it’s you, your frame of mind and the thoughts that engender that frame of mind.

Specifically, whatever thought you process in your conscious mind passes straight into your unconscious mind and merges with any ‘subconscious programmes’ running there. The aggregate information is then passed directly to your DNA which vibrates at different rates in accord with your temperament. That is:

The vibe you put out determines your success.

I coached a very successful salesperson who never felt at her best in front of a CEO customer. It took a wee while for us to discover a subconscious programme she’d developed from her authoritarian parents, created by a ‘single significant emotional event’ when she was three years old. Once she ‘released’ this programme, her faith-in-self in front of CEO’s increased significantly. Her sales soared.

Research by scientists (e.g. The Biology of Belief, by Dr Bruce Lipton and The Genie in your Genes, by Dr Matthew Dawson) demonstrates the subliminal communicative functioning power of DNA between human beings which can be harmonious (I prefer the term, ‘resonant’) or out of tune (dissonant) – and at its extreme, disruptive.

Allow me to define ‘being competent’ as not only having the capability to demonstrate requisite skills and knowledge at the  customer interface, it’s also about being competent at preparing yourself to be at your peak, to achieve the gravitas (sometimes called ‘traction’) you seek.

Author’s note: gravitas is something we can all achieve; it’s a result not a gift privy to a chosen few. Only 15% or so of salespeople achieve the ‘customer gravitas’ they seek, hence this book!

Let me add, the competence that customers attribute to you will also include an element of the perceived competence of the solutions you bring to the table, i.e. an acknowledgement of the potential of your solution’s value proposition. Put another way, if the customer has little faith in what you’re selling, even though they value your personal contribution, to what degree will you be invited to participate in the decision making process?

We’ve covered two of the three ‘Cs’ in the E=MC3 equation. A salesperson not only has to be competent in following ‘top sales processes’ (and have potentially ‘competent’ solutions); they need to be confident in their ability and motivated to follow those sales processes too. And still there’s one further factor that determines how effective you are (by seeing what’s really going on), a heightened sense of…

Curiosity

Top salespeople are unstintingly curious. For example, they love to be coached. They are very willing to learn how to become more effective at selling.

Top performers focus on working smarter, not harder, than ‘moderates’

You might ask, “Curious about what?” Answer: “Everything!”

Top salespeople probe below the surface of what’s going on – especially when forging business relationships. Like a metaphorical iceberg, they acknowledge that you only see about 15% above the surface; the obvious facts and logic by which a customer makes a decision. But they don’t stop there, they’re proactive to find the real passions and fears which will motivate or deter key stakeholders in the decision making process.

Curiosity is the sonar signal you emit to track changes on your ‘sales radar screen’. You track political, economic, sociological, technological and organisational developments as well as your competitors’ manoeuvres. At the deepest level, you’re tuning into changes in customers’ feelings, e.g. inspiration, motivation, confidence, sense of security, anger and most of all – trust and fear.

There’s more. You also need to be proactively curious about what might happen. I return to this later.

To summarise: selling is three parts mental/emotional to one part intellectual.

E=MC3, it’s not rocket science!

Shine on…!
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Paul C Burr

Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author

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The Decisions You Make, Are They Borne of Love or Fear?

“We change the map of life itself by changing our attitude towards it.”

 from The Mind of the Druid by E G Howe

Mind of the Druid

(Probably the most profound book I’ve ever read. I’ve read it 4 times and I’m still trying to ‘get it!’)

Shine on…!
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Paul C Burr

Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author

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The Currency of All Relationships: Truth, Trust and Passion

QG3 BookCoverPreview.do

Shine on…!
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Paul C Burr

Business/Personal Performance Coach & Author

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TftD: Changing your Character, Changes your Life

ChangeMan1Image courtesy of Blaze Institute

…All that happens is the result of character; the only manner in which the destiny can be changed is to change the character…..

the chart of birth….is merely a map of character…..

(and) can be markedly altered in any direction desired.

CC Zain

Shine on…!
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Paul C Burr
Author of Quick Guide: How Top Salespeople Sell, Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return, 2012: a twist in the tail and Defrag your Soul

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TftD: The 4 Seeds of Negative Karma that Hold you Back

Extract from Defrag your Soul….defrag eye6.5x9.25 v5

Only four things hold you back from that which your heart truly desires….

1.       Shame

 There is no shame in failure but failure is endemic to shame.

2.      Anger/Resentment

 Resentment is like poisoning yourself whilst waiting for someone to die.

 Better still,

 Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.

Sourced from the Internet.

 3.      Sadness/Hurt

 I’ve cried, and you’d think I’d be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps, and it stays in my spine the rest of my life.

Conor Oberst

 4.      Fear

 F. E. A. R. = False expectations appearing real.

These four negative emotions serve a purpose. For example, when you have learned all you need to know about shame, you have readied yourself to appreciate not-shame – i.e. to feel good about yourself. To appreciate a high vibration fully, you need to know about its exact opposite.

Such is duality:

  • Shame –> not-Shame –> e.g. feel okay, feel good, self compassion, caring for self, trusting self, self worth, self liking, self love, love
  • Anger–>not-Anger–>e.g. composed, relaxed, fondness, love
  • Sadness–>not-Sad–>e.g. joy, happiness, serenity, expansion, wisdom, love
  • Fear–>not-Fear–>courage, faith, fearlessness, stillness, wisdom, love.

The opposites of all four seeds of negative karma lead ultimately to love. When you release shame, anger, sadness and fear, you journey towards love, borne of oneness, borne of the divine.

Where does life’s journey take me?

To truth, your truth, love, oneness, your divine self.

Duality: anything that is not truth, not love or not oneness is not divine.

Shine on…!
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Paul C Burr
Author of Quick Guide: How Top Salespeople Sell, Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return, 2012: a twist in the tail and Defrag your Soul

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TftD: Truth Goes Hand in Hand with Trust but Ultimately Surpasses It

Honesty

Honesty

Being honest often requires courage. And courage is about letting go of fear and trusting yourself.

Trust is the gap between what you know to be true and what you have faith in.

And truth drives out falsity.

Have faith in, and be true to, yourself (“above all else” as the Bard once said.)

Shine on…!
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Paul C Burr
Author of Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return, 2012: a twist in the tail and Defrag your Soul

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Shame, Not-self-love, Is the First Step toward Mind Control

GuiltAs a child I was taught to (do things that) please God and fear the Devil. By the age of 12, I allowed a cleric’s sermon to make me feel ashamed for all the ‘wrong’ things I did, thought and felt – like most young folk do, think and feel as they reach puberty. Much later I realised that guilt or shame is half of the ‘carrot and stick’ deal that parents, governments and some religions use to ‘control’ children, the populace and followers respectively.

Illustration by Andrea Kurucz

When you allow someone else to make you feel not good about yourself, you accede to their first step in mind control. Their intent is that you do their bidding, not your own.

To avoid mind control, you need to understand the nature of your own shame; you need to venture into your own ‘underworld’ to find the sources of that shame. Especially those things your parents did that made you feel ashamed as a child and perhaps hid away deep within you unknowingly.

You may not know consciously all the sources of shame you possess and may need some form of ‘plutonic’ awakening to unearth them.  Shame is a gap between how you perceive you are and how you’d like to be. In my life I’ve been ashamed of being overweight, of hurting people but the deepest and most profound shame (that I’ve only recently discovered) was that I was not worthy of my parents’ love. And if I was not worthy of their love, I was not worthy of self-love. And if I was not worthy of self-love then I was worthy to love someone else – because I can’t give what I don’t possess. My shame stultified my capacity to love and be loved in return.

When you do something out of shame you may allay feeling that shame, but you never rid yourself of it. You can’t atone shame – but you can release it. You release shame by practicing self-forgiveness.

I’ve shared how my understanding of forgiveness has evolved in two previous blogs (Replace Forgiveness with Accountability and Client:-”I Can’t Forgive Myself.” – “You Don’t Need To.”).

In a nutshell:

Self-forgiveness is not about one part of you saying to another, “Even though you did wrongly I forgive you”. It’s about releasing all judgement.

 Shame is a form of not-self-love that lives in your head, rent free. Self-forgiveness is allowing that not-self-love to leave completely.

 When not-self-love leaves, all that remains is self-love; what’s in your head aligns with the love you hold in your heart.

You become love wholly.

You shine!

Shine on…!
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Paul C Burr
Author of Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return, 2012: a twist in the tail and Defrag your Soul

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TftD: The Paradox of Joy and Hurt

hurt happy“The person who hurts you is often the person you run to, in order to feel better.”

Image sourced from Moments Count

Shine on…!

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Paul C Burr

Author of Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return, 2012: a twist in the tail and Defrag your Soul

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Tip for the Day: Truth in a Relationship

truthTruth drives out falsity, the mother of lack-of-trust. When trust, the bedrock of a relationship, crumbles you have nothing to build on.

Image sourced from Jeff Beck

Shine on…!
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Paul C Burr
Author of Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return, 2012: a twist in the tail and Defrag your Soul
Follow @paulburr

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Self-Coaching Tool about Relationships.

Social web network marketing diagram.

Rather than seeing success as a specific outcome, change your focus to seeing it as a network of  ’10 out of 10′ relationships. When everyone who can stop you achieving success is onside – there is no one and nothing to stop you.

Image sourced from Think Holistic, Act Personal

You cannot achieve success without forging equally successful relationships – starting with the relationship you have with yourself.

Think of a business or personal situation that’s important to you right now.

Who are all the people (include yourself) who can stop you from being successful (i.e. they have the power of veto)?

Give your relationship with each person a score out of 10, where 10 means ‘the relationship with this person is exactly where we both want it to be’.

To get the relationship to a 10, what does each person on the list want from you?

Are you willing to give it? (And what might you want in return?)

If so when?

Go give.

Shine on…!
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Paul C Burr
Author of Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return, 2012: a twist in the tail and Defrag your Soul

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The Psychic Vampire, Unseen in the Mirror

psychic attackThey suck you in. You[1] don’t feel their fangs puncture your neck. One minute you are drawn to the creature’s alluring charm. The next, you are smitten by their mesmerising power that deceives and lulls you into submission. You allow them under your skin and your life-force starts to bleed out of you.

What was the attraction to someone so beautiful, in dire need of your help? Was it ‘noblesse-oblige?’ What reward did you seek for your chivalry and kindness? Did you hope that you would receive a thank you in the form of love – be it physical, emotional or spiritual? If not, did you seek the dependency of another to satisfy your own false-ego? Either way, you belong to them for now.

You feel an urge to rescue the creature from all its woes. You pay each ‘bill’ they send your way – in the form of time, money, physical and emotional energy. You submit to the creature’s will. You allow yourself to become psychically enslaved. You, the ‘rescuer’, become their ‘victim’. They, ‘the victim’ become your ‘persecutor’. The deeper you allow their ‘bite’; the greater the duress, intensity, frequency and duration of the energy that flows out from your life-force.

You chastise and remonstrate with them your frustrations but you still hold back – for fear of losing them completely. They tell you how wrong and misguided you are – but not for too long. They feign a weakening of spirit. They reveal their inner hurt to you and place themselves at your mercy. Duped, you feel worse for their suffering than you do your own – and so they ensnare you again. You give all your power to them once more and they take it, only more voraciously than ever.

They may not even be wholly aware of the powers they have over you and others like you. It’s as if they can’t help themselves. They possess an insatiable desire for all that you (and others) have to give and more. Yet they show no signs of giving you that one thing you want most from them, love. They show no willingness or capability to love you, the way you want them to love you.

For they can only love someone (or something) that they can’t have. They are doubly bound by not-love – as by now are you. Loveless, they feed on the life-energy of those like you so that they don’t face their biggest and most misguided fear… the fear of love itself.

They choose not the courage to love and be loved. They can only conjure an illusion of love-liness. Love, to them, is a game of smoke and mirrors. Unresolved issues from their childhood cast too dark a shadow in which for them to venture to find love. And so they live in a half light, capable of hypnotic power but incapable of love – not there, right now, with you.

And still you persist with the vision of light that you see inside the creature; wishing, hoping, or perhaps convinced, that they will share it with you one day. But no inner-beacon shines your way. You sicken and tire. You live from minute to minute in servility. You give when you have no more to give and still the blood-letting of your life energy continues until…

You sicken and tire of being sickened and tired by your addiction to this illusory hero/ine. The day comes when you bid “begone!” and hold nothing back. The creature leaves knowing that you truly have nothing more to give.

You both suffer. The habit is not broken yet – ‘cold-turkey has got you (both) on the run[2]. Given the chance, the vampire returns to test your mettle. They try to ensnare you again but this time it’s different, you’re different. They realise that all you can share with them is your truth – the truth of your feelings (regardless of the correctness/incorrectness of your perceptions). And truth drives out all falsity, including theirs. You thus bid a farewell that is ‘final and definite’ – and so the task of grieving really starts.

Day by day, week by week, month by month, the hurt lessens; the clouds of anger, sadness, shame and fear dissipate. Slowly but steadily, you regain your power. You seek to learn from the devastation you allowed to be inflicted upon you. As you reflect in the ‘mirror that was you’, you begin to realise (real-eyes) the nature of a now-familiar dark energy within yourself.

You account for how it was you who attracted the creature. You recognise a like-for-like, psychic and vampiric part of their nature within yourself. You appreciate more fully the depth and nature of the pain you have caused, or been capable of causing, others.

You see more clearly the definition of love, innately incorrect, given to you by your parents. You bring to the surface unresolved issues with your parents that you’ve carried all your life. And now you can bid farewell to these issues from your past.

Now you have the chance to resolve the unresolved. Today you ‘throw those curtains wide’ and allow the light (the same light that you saw hidden inside the creature) of the sun within you to shine throughout your whole body and radiate beyond. Through willpower, patience and courage you release the psychic vampire inside. Once gone, it never needs to return.

You graduate from the Wisdom School to the Love School – and that’s another story.


[1] When I say ‘you’, I mean you, me, I, we, anyone.

[2] from Cold Turkey by John Lennon

Shine on…!
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Paul C Burr

Author of Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return, 2012: a twist in the tail and Defrag your Soul.

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If you want a successful relationship you need to feel good about yourself.

Tree of AveburyThe seed of a strong relationship, its foundation, must grow into a solid root(ed in truth). Otherwise, we create an unsustainable imbalance. The relationship will eventually topple or die on the vine because it lacks equilibrium.

Lack of equilibrium between two people, develops when:

  1. One partner destabilises the other by bringing them down (and keeping them there).
  2. The ‘stronger’ reinforces this and reminds the ‘weaker’ partner of the consequences of their actions
  3. The ‘stronger’ provides the ‘weaker’ with the solution to their ills. But this is the ‘stronger’ partner’s will and bidding, not the ‘weaker’ partner.

Like a seed, a relationship starts its life very much in the dark. We know not of what lies ahead – nor appreciate what it (the seed of the relationship) can become. After the flush of ecstasy during the first few days/weeks/months together, something unexpected happens. One or both partners find themselves getting upset.

People, who get upset easily, will not succeed in the onerous setbacks that most relationships (or challenging journeys) bring from time to time. The more upset we get, the more we do not feel good about ourselves and the more we often hide about ourselves.

We may bottle our feelings up at first. We keep quiet. We fear that we will upset (or not be seen as good enough by) our partner. Eventually, when we reach exasperation point, we can boil over and let our negative emotions fly. It’s not love that lets fly, it’s fear.

Four escalating, warning signs that tell you are heading for a setback in your relationship (extract from Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return):

We all go down this path now and then. It becomes easier to avoid the path to disappointment and setback, once you can read the signs:

  1. You easily get upset; means your pride is hurt. When you get emotional quickly and easily, you give your power to those you get upset with. You are clouded with emotion. You cannot see out what to do. Others cannot see in. You isolate yourself.
  2. Less power leads to low self esteem. You do not feel good about yourself. This leads to fear.
  3. Fear of further upset and isolation: in extreme cases you despair and turn to others and do their bidding – in order to maintain some form of connection. This is not love or friendship. It is….
  4. Mind control: someone else has you under their thumb. This is not love. It is manipulation of power. You have no way out, until you release the fear to get out from under.

As real as it feels, fear is illusory. And illusion is only dispelled by truth. For a relationship to fulfill its potential wholly, it must pass through the stage in its development called ‘truth’, in which there are no hidden agendas. Feelings and intentions are shared openly and honestly.

We observe a spiral effect. As fear is dispelled, (and as) more truth is revealed, more fear is dispelled, and so on. Counter-wise, fear serves to hide the truth, which when hidden creates more fear, and so on. (Such a fear-based relationship thus cannot get past the hidden agendas that hold it back.)

We choose with every decision we make, which way the relationship travels the spiral, up or down, truth or fear, oneness or separateness, love or power (control).

Real love is borne inside out. We need to feel good about ourselves from the inside, and not solely because someone else (i.e. our partner) makes us feel good about ourselves. We thus free ourselves to stand in our truth without any shield behind which to hide our fears. It can appear that we are making ourselves defenceless. But truth drives out falsity. Our defencelessness is thus our strength, to share a relationship rooted in truth.

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr

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You Will Walk Alone, One Day

3482152861_63ece53303At some stage you isolate or distance yourself from others.

I have been accused recently of becoming too isolated. The accusations were well meant because my accusers missed my regular company.

Photograph copyright tinavandenbongardt

Just last week I read some words of Lord Buddha which, in modern day speak, went along the lines of….

Hermits/ascetics do not isolate themselves from the world outside in order to pay penance. They do so to become happier. External things, that at one time they used to enjoy, no longer stimulate or fulfill their desires. They thus seek happiness within.

I’m no ascetic. I enjoy my creature comforts. I  love eating out in posh restaurants, staying in 5-star hotels and travelling first class. But maybe I have become a hermit in certain ways.

I go to the occasional reunion where others see a superficial change in me. These days my hair is long as is my wispy goatee, unlike the corporate clean cut image I used to portray years ago. My appearance often places me ‘outside the flock’. Conversations have, on occasion, become slightly stilted.

I no longer take much interest in ‘normal’ day-to-day small talk, like who is going to win ‘the current Saturday night TV contest’ or get thrown out of some ‘reality’ show. Many of my interests have changed and perhaps more significantly, my perspective has changed.

For example, I feel distanced when people complain about being the victims of an economic recession that we have collectively created. At the same time, I ask myself, “Why have I attracted this conversation? I wonder where I am not being accountable for what I receive in life; whom or what am I blaming?”

I do not consider myself superior in any way and do my best not to come across as an evangelist. It’s that I’ve moved on. If people ask my opinion about the latest TV game show, I probably don’t have one. If we’re discussing global events, I speak my views.

I prefer to distance myself from day-to-day chatter or ‘complaining about the system’ – both of which I might have engaged in once upon a time.

I still ‘rabbit on’ a lot about two of my passions though: football and music (probably more than I do about humankind’s return to oneness) and, undoubtedly, I distance a few people from myself in the process as well. Furthermore, I don’t yet attract that many people who want to talk about things ethereal. And I’m ok with that, for now.

Eventually, at some stage in our journey within, we come to a cross roads. We discern the habits, people and situations that no longer serve to make us happy.

If we don’t discern, we become bored. If we don’t switch out those habits, we become irritated. We can become ‘not-fun-to-be-around-anymore’. We get annoyed at ourselves for taking the well trodden road that’s no longer fun for ourselves to be on. We go back to the crossroads where we give ourselves the option to take a different route, a road ‘less travelled’.

There are people at the crossroads who offer us drinks, holidays, nights out on the town, parties and the like. There are others: advisors, suitors, groups, authority figures….  all trying to ‘sell’ a system, a solution or a ‘way to do it’. Both camps offer you a way to avoid hard (emotional) work and pain. They promise you a path, a ‘golden road’. They will want to be with you, every step of the yellow-brick way, success or failure, for a fee.

You may be offered maps, charts even a lighthouse that points the way. But the onward and inward journey must be trodden alone. No-one can bestow intelligence on you. Every question you have is already within you. You just need the external world to reflect it back to you.

Those people at the crossroads, and I include me, have not travelled your journey. Because that’s what it is; it’s your journey and no-one else’s. Your journey will require that you demonstrate similar characteristics to those teachers/pioneers who have gone before you. It will require courage, patience, self trust, curiosity and many other enabling inner qualities BUT the journey itself is yours to take alone. Even the crossroads you stand at is your crossroads – no-one else has ever stood precisely at the same point in time, space and dimension – as where you stand now. And so…

There comes a point when you put aside: the advice of experts, the norms of acceptable behaviour, the protection of staying inside the flock, the expectations of those nearest and dearest to you…………. and you realise that no-one can teach you truth, you can only know it by experiencing it for yourself.

You allow the feeling of good to become your guide. You listen to the voice that speaks between thoughts –  that you, perhaps, have been drowning out but has never gone away. You trust and act upon your intuition, the words of spirit.

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr

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The Early Years, 0-14: Kidding Is No Joke (extract from Defrag your Soul)

emotions-cone

Courtesy of Social Literacy Today

Kids take in everything. Only recently have I discovered the extent to which parents influence their children’s whole lives, way beyond the age they leave home. Kids accept and live the Law of Attraction with full accountability and responsibility.

A child seeks love, security, warmth and touch. When a child receives not love, not security, not warmth or not touch, that child accepts full responsibility for not receiving what they want. Furthermore, it blames itself for having neither the physical nor the intellectual strength to deal with untoward behaviour in a mature adult fashion. It doesn’t know how to channel the negative emotions (shame, anger, sadness or fear) that arise within. How could it?

The child feels helpless about how to cope and so locks away the negative emotions in a shield or ‘bubble-wrap’ of etheric energy. The child develops compensatory behaviours (e.g. remaining silent, denying/blocking negative thoughts about others, blaming self) that shield its conscious mind from the negative emotions hidden within its shadows.

This is not a mature decision and it’s not exclusive to children. How well do we adults react in such situations? Ask yourself, “How often do I…

  1. …hide my hurt or sadness to avoid confrontation?”
  2. …resort to anger to get what I want?”
  3. …manipulate someone emotionally to get what I want?”
  4. …use brute force to get my way?”
  5. …harbour ill feeling?”

None of the five strategies are mature acts, I suggest.  Let us look at Strategy 1 because that is how many people I know deal with confrontation to begin with. Many adults, including me, when faced with controversy, let things be and say nothing. We either do not have, or choose not to employ, an effective strategy to deal with unwanted or inappropriate behaviour. Instead, we remain silent. We hope the issue will die down, go away and all will be forgotten in time. Let us not confuse weak with meek.

  • When weak, you put yourself second, you subsume yourself to someone else with disregard for your own feelings. You place their feelings above your own and you hide behind a veil but the negativity lingers. You feel shame from not speaking or being your truth. You feel shame because you choose not the courage to be meek.
  • Lion-and-Lamb-1-168x168Meek, I suggest, is putting your honour on an equal status with those around you. You do not need to use brute force to get your point of view across. You do not resort to conflict, anger or threatening behaviour. You do not manipulate or seek to instil anger, sadness, fear or shame in others either. Instead you seek to put your point across constructively, positively and truthfully – so that others understand the impression they make on you. Your seek parity, not to win outright. You speak or act according to your truth. You choose courage to be meek.

Picture courtesy of Doves and Serpents.

If we act ‘not-meekly’, i.e. weakly, how can we expect children, to whom we set an example, to choose courage?  Furthermore, kids not only take in every conscious thing that’s going on around them, they take in all the untold, unsaid things as well. They absorb, at a subliminal level, all the endemic family moods, trouble and strife. They register the negative vibrations from their environment and store the information in their Etheric Body (a blog about the Etheric Body will follow). They/we develop compensatory behaviours; one or more of the five strategies cited earlier to cope.

Kids blame themselves for all the feelings of insecurity they endure. They make themselves fully accountable and responsible for the untoward behaviour of their parents, for instance. They convince themselves that they caused it and therefore they blame themselves accordingly. (The very morning of writing this paragraph, a lady who had suffered child abuse appeared on the BBC1 TV morning show. She described the complexity and paradox of how a child can still love a parent who abuses them.)

In her wonderful and insightful book, Your Secret Self,[1] Tracy Marks explains the subtle logic of this childhood dynamic. If the child were to blame their parents for untoward behaviour and place themselves as completely innocent (which they are) without the intellectual or physical ability (which they do not have) to change their environment; they, in effect, relinquish all power (to change things) and hope for their lives.

On the other hand, if they consider their untoward parents or carers to be normal loving people and blame themselves for everything that happens – then at least they give themselves hope. They give themselves the ability to ‘rectify’ themselves in the hope that their parents will show the love and security they seek.

Faced with a no -win situation, the child blames themself, wraps away the negative emotions in their subconscious mind and develops compensatory behaviours. They hide their feelings away. In denial, they pretend that all is okay with their parents. But they can withdraw from wanting or expecting love. Their self worth plummets.

A damaging behavioural subroutine sets in. It can stay with the unloved, insecure child into their adult lives. In their adolescent years they may well seek escape. Their susceptibility to drug addiction and, in extreme cases, self harming increases.

(continued in Defrag your Soul)

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr


[1] Ref: Your Secret Self, by Tracy Marks, Part Three, The Psychodynamics of Twelfth House Conflicts and Part Four, The Process of Integration: Twelfth House Liberation.

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Temperance

Jean_Dodal_Tarot_trump_14

…does not mean ‘do without or prohibit’.

It means balance.

Temperance: Major Arcana card no 14, from the Ancient Tarot Deck of Marseilles by Jean Dodal, 1718.

Remove balance in life and you limit your perspective. The workaholic might not give themselves the time to enjoy a healthy personal life. The addict can’t see outside the control of their habit. The drunkard inebriates themselves from sobriety. In all three cases, the protagonist lives their life in denial.

Should you avoid temperance, not only do you limit your learning, you can do yourself harm – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. As such, you harm the environment you live in and those nearest and dearest to you. Lack of temperance, by definition, means an excess of, or gluttony for, one thing over another. Be it work, alcohol, drugs, mindless TV or computer games – the excess means that you deny yourself health, which has consequences.

Have you ever watched downhill tobogganing on TV? The more often a sleigh hits the wall, the more it slows down through friction. And when it bounces off sideways the team are using their energy laterally to get back on track. Whilst it’s traversing it has to travel farther than a direct descent down the middle of the run. The middle way is the fastest and smoothest.

Study the Temperance card, from the 18th Century, Ancient Tarot Deck of Marseilles, by Jean Dodal. You observe a grounded female angel clad evenly in red (fire, hot, male) and blue (water, cool, female). Her arms are dressed in red, to signify strength and power of Mars. Her blue covered torso signifies the love and beauty of Venus. Water from the higher cup flows into and cleanses that of the lower. Not a drop is spilt or wasted; the flow is steady and harmonious. Her wings reveal she is an angel who may advise, guide and protect us. Her work embraces the harmony of opposites.

The Angel of Temperance teaches us that life’s direction leads eventually to the middle path. We do not need to swing extremely and continually between feast and famine, peace and war, love and hate, mercy and severity, prosperity and poverty, abundance and scarcity, riches and debt, victory and defeat, mine and yours, property and theft. When we embrace both aspects of duality as one, we create oneness. Something is only good for one, when it is good for all. There is no us and them, there is no me without not me. There is only us, together we become oneness.

When we bring temperance into our lives, we exemplify oneness.

(extract from my forthcoming book, from Defrag your Soul, due out next week.)

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr

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2012 – The Return to Oneness

2012 BoliviaThe Return

“Enough! I’ve had enough of winning and losing.

I can only exert a limited amount of power.

I can only spend a limited amount of money.

I can only create so much suffering before I kill off those over whom I am victorious.

 I can only suffer so much when I lose.

I have exhausted all the possibilities of winning and losing in the material world.

I now choose temperance.

I return to the harmony of opposites, the yin and yang, the will and imagination, to return to oneness.”

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