Posts Tagged abusive relationships

If you want a successful relationship you need to feel good about yourself.

Tree of AveburyThe seed of a strong relationship, its foundation, must grow into a solid root(ed in truth). Otherwise, we create an unsustainable imbalance. The relationship will eventually topple or die on the vine because it lacks equilibrium.

Lack of equilibrium between two people, develops when:

  1. One partner destabilises the other by bringing them down (and keeping them there).
  2. The ‘stronger’ reinforces this and reminds the ‘weaker’ partner of the consequences of their actions
  3. The ‘stronger’ provides the ‘weaker’ with the solution to their ills. But this is the ‘stronger’ partner’s will and bidding, not the ‘weaker’ partner.

Like a seed, a relationship starts its life very much in the dark. We know not of what lies ahead – nor appreciate what it (the seed of the relationship) can become. After the flush of ecstasy during the first few days/weeks/months together, something unexpected happens. One or both partners find themselves getting upset.

People, who get upset easily, will not succeed in the onerous setbacks that most relationships (or challenging journeys) bring from time to time. The more upset we get, the more we do not feel good about ourselves and the more we often hide about ourselves.

We may bottle our feelings up at first. We keep quiet. We fear that we will upset (or not be seen as good enough by) our partner. Eventually, when we reach exasperation point, we can boil over and let our negative emotions fly. It’s not love that lets fly, it’s fear.

Four escalating, warning signs that tell you are heading for a setback in your relationship (extract from Learn to Love and Be Loved in Return):

We all go down this path now and then. It becomes easier to avoid the path to disappointment and setback, once you can read the signs:

  1. You easily get upset; means your pride is hurt. When you get emotional quickly and easily, you give your power to those you get upset with. You are clouded with emotion. You cannot see out what to do. Others cannot see in. You isolate yourself.
  2. Less power leads to low self esteem. You do not feel good about yourself. This leads to fear.
  3. Fear of further upset and isolation: in extreme cases you despair and turn to others and do their bidding – in order to maintain some form of connection. This is not love or friendship. It is….
  4. Mind control: someone else has you under their thumb. This is not love. It is manipulation of power. You have no way out, until you release the fear to get out from under.

As real as it feels, fear is illusory. And illusion is only dispelled by truth. For a relationship to fulfill its potential wholly, it must pass through the stage in its development called ‘truth’, in which there are no hidden agendas. Feelings and intentions are shared openly and honestly.

We observe a spiral effect. As fear is dispelled, (and as) more truth is revealed, more fear is dispelled, and so on. Counter-wise, fear serves to hide the truth, which when hidden creates more fear, and so on. (Such a fear-based relationship thus cannot get past the hidden agendas that hold it back.)

We choose with every decision we make, which way the relationship travels the spiral, up or down, truth or fear, oneness or separateness, love or power (control).

Real love is borne inside out. We need to feel good about ourselves from the inside, and not solely because someone else (i.e. our partner) makes us feel good about ourselves. We thus free ourselves to stand in our truth without any shield behind which to hide our fears. It can appear that we are making ourselves defenceless. But truth drives out falsity. Our defencelessness is thus our strength, to share a relationship rooted in truth.

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr

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Your Inner Child Has a Message…..

By listening carefully to the voice of your inner child, you develop your intuition. You tune into its messages. Call it “intunition.” At the same time, you become aware of the feeling when you veer away from the child’s advice. You detune. You cease to trust yourself.
Self trust is the “engine oil” to give and receive the very best, to and from the world around you. Not-self trust means you give and receive second best at best. You undervalue yourself and your immense power.

Extract from my forthcoming book, 2012: A Twist in the Tale, that I intend to serialise on its own blogsite. Watch this space.

Image sourced from Abused Empowered Survive Thrive

 

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr

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Client:-“I Can’t Forgive Myself.” – “You Don’t Need To.”

Image from Oneness, Conscious Choices

There’s no such thing as forgiveness. Humankind is not empowered to forgive. Tis a trick of the mind which stems from the sense of separateness.

Us and Them?  = Separateness. (ask Pink Floyd)

When someone else “trespasses against us,” we are encouraged to “forgive them.” When we trespass against others, or even ourselves, we are encouraged to repent and ask for forgiveness.

Which is why we, with good intention, choose to forgive someone else’s, or ask for forgiveness for our own, “wrong doing.” And when we try to forgive ourselves, who is forgiving whom? Do we forgive in our hearts or in our mind?

As without, so within = Oneness.

The heart does not judge. And the soul seeks wisdom, your heart’s desires, not judgement borne of separateness.

The heart only has love, for everyone and everything. The sun shines on us all, regardless of thought or deed. We love unconditionally, like the sun, when we have learned to love ourselves.

Rather than forgive, release the anger, sadness, fear or guilt within you –  replace it with passion, to transform yourself first. Raise your vibration. When enough of us focus on oneness, the vibration will spread.

So be uplifting. Transform from separateness to oneness. Journey to Love unconditionally.

And…

Unconditional love leads to magic, divine magic – because you become the change the world awaits.

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr

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Replace Forgiveness with Accountability

“Forgiveness is an illusion of the mind. It appeases our false ego. Instead, we are wiser to erase the data that attracted whom, or that which, we resent or feel guilty about. I speak not of erasing an unpleasant memory or the learning there-from. I speak of erasure of the negative emotions we attach to that memory. The same negative emotions or darkness by which we attracted the person or event, that we allowed to offend us, in the first place.

The sun shines on us all, regardless. The Heart Chakra, your 4th chakra, is the domain of Helios, the Sun King. The heart doesn’t judge. Tis all in the mind.”

Image from American Mathematical Society

Shine on…!
/|\
Paul C Burr

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4 Warning Signs that Tell You “You’re not ready!”

x 4

Can you recall a time when you set off on a venture and ignored or didn’t spot early warning signs that things were probably not going to go to plan? Those things are much easier to see in hindsight when “the milk has been spilt.” At the outset, our emotional attachment to the outcome is high. Those emotions however can cloud our vision of what’s possibly about to go awry.  We head down the path to disappointment. We can avoid the path to disappointment and setback, when we can read the “road-signs”.

Four warning signs that point to pending setback and disappointment (in a relationship, in business, in everyday life):

  1. You get upset easily; means your pride is hurt. When you get emotional quickly and easily, you give your power to those you get upset with. You are clouded with emotion. You cannot see out what to do. Others cannot see in. You isolate yourself.
  2. Less power leads to low self esteem. You don’t feel good about yourself. This leads to fear.
  3. Fear of further upset and isolation: in extreme cases you despair and turn to others and do their bidding – in order to maintain some form of connection. This is not love or friendship. It is….
  4. Mind control: someone else has you under their thumb. This is not love. It’s manipulation. You have no way out, until you find the courage to get out from under.

So we can start by acknowledging our vulnerabilities. Which means neither embrace or deny them. Instead learn from them. Accept them for what they are…. head trash that needs dealing with.

We can go it alone – but I’ve found solitude and contemplation takes a wee bit too long for me.  Instead I seek help… either through a group or an “energy healer”.

When you ready yourself to learn, your teacher will appear -and vice versa.

And should you choose to do nothing about it? Prepare yourself.

Because…. ( a definition for not taking responsibility)

“When the rocket is lit, your backside will appear.”

Ω
Shine on…!
Paul C Burr

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The Fear of Fear

"Fear" by lilith_abi

Fear is a strong word. It can be an uncomfortable word. If we over-embrace fear, we end up doing nothing about it. Paradoxically the fear of fear; not talking about fear, not thinking about fear can lead to….. denial – of the conscious and unconscious fears (“let’s not go there”) that hold us back.

(Image sourced from lilith_abi.)

So it’s about creating a structure and process where we can acknowledge our fears and vulnerabilities. When we deny fear, we deny our Truth. Research shows, living our Truth is the key to creating a healthy level of self worth.

This presents a challenge to the fiefdoms in politics and business in this “winner takes all” world we’ve created. A world where one man’s vulnerabilities and mistakes are seized by another for their own gain.

It points to a new world where property, wealth and “ownership” is based on equitable negotiation and usage, not forfeiture. Where one serves all as part of our social contract. Leaders do the leading, rulers do the ruling, Kings and Queens do the king-ing or queen-ing. They are jobs with reponsibilities and accountabilities, not titles. Ah-ha – I feel a whole new blog coming on.

Ω

Shine on…!
Paul C Burr

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