My Opinion ref: Question
Most couples I know don’t discuss monogamy up front. They don’t chose to abide by its principles consciously together. Sometimes they wish for it. Sometimes they assume it. Sometimes they treat it as a taboo topic and stick their head in the sand. Why?
Image from Lovemore.com
I haven’t been saintly always. Like many people I’ve entered into a sexual relationship knowing that the other person had stronger feelings for me than I, they. The joy of sexual pleasure, to fufill my Desire Body’s wants, was stronger than my Inner Self’s demand to live and share my truth. When the relationship ended, I’d have some rationale (e.g. “All blokes are like this.”) to keep my false ego intact – until the next time.
(I’ve been on the receiving end of this same behaviour too. Synchronicity: as I write this very sentence Joe Simon’s, Drowning in the Sea of Love, pops up on my Ipod shuffle-play.)
I hope I’ve never been demonic (I’ve enough karma, thanks) – maybe that’s not my call. But I can think of many times when I’ve lacked courage to speak my truth.
In years gone by, I’ve started open relationships which were fine and dandy until one of us steps over a line that the other doesn’t want to step over. I’ve started relationships that I wanted to become serious – and I’d end my other ongoing “open” relationships immediately. Fair enough?
Relationships start and evolve in a dance. But whom do we attract to dance? We attract what we project.
For example(s), I found that if I went into a bar with my “sex specs” on, I’d attract women who get their self esteem from being sexually attractive to others. Repeatedly I’d start a relationship with someone that wouldn’t last. Regardless of whether we had sex or not, the relationship often ended soon because one or both of us had gotten what we wanted out of it quickly. It took me many many years to figure out what my pattern was, at a vibrational level.
All the longer term relationships I’ve enjoyed, started through a “calling” I felt for and with the other person. If I’ve learnt one thing, this “calling” needs to include me. It’s not a one way deal.
I’ve come to realise that fidelity is as much about intention as behaviour. How clear, and how willing, are we to declare our intentions (especially before the music starts)?
Let’s go back to the dance – when two people start up together. If one gets ahead too far of the other, the couple come apart. If one pushes too hard and trods on the others toes – that also can lead to a stumble and fall. I’ve experienced both, both ways.
If one partner starts talking about a medium or long term purpose (that includes monogamy) for the relationship before the other is ready to commit, then the dance can come to an end. Better to stay quiet? Not forever. Better to wait until a better time? Perhaps.
My advice is thus….
1. When you start a relationship, start as friends. Be clear about your own intentions and feelings. Above all, “be true to thyself” –as the Bard says..
2. Wait a while before you introduce sex into the relationship
I once fell in love with someone out of the blue. I’d been acquainted with her for a while. We’d become friends. We spent a lovely day walking together. We arrived home. We kissed. It was a case of “love at first kiss” for me. We both wanted to make love. So I asked her a question….
“Is this sex or is it something more.”
“It’s something far more.” She replied.
“In which case, we can wait.”….
She agreed and so we did. At that point in time, we both felt our relationship had a much higher purpose. And we both had tasks to complete before we could start the relationship properly.
3. When the time feels right for both of you, discuss what the purpose of your relationship is (plug :) there’s much more in my book about this):
- Physically – your environment, home, work, children, hobbies, passions and so on. (If you’re obsessed over a football team like me, this is important!)What you’ll be doing and what you won’t be doing
- Emotionally – how will you stay tuned into one another? Are you compatible intellectually or is that unimportant? How will you feel secure (or better still know) that the relationship’s purpose can be achieved?
- Spiritually – Each of you answer separately: if you were to know….
- What qualities, or wisdom about yourself, do you wish to develop through the relationship?
- What do you want to shed?
- And with what do you want to fill the void created by that which you have shed?
- What will make you truly happy in, compassionate with, and have love for , yourself - NOT the relationship or other person. (For at a spiritual level, what’s good for you is good for both. This is the bit that many of us don’t think/feel through.)
Share the answers you each come up with and create a joint purpose that is different from, but congruent with, your individual purposes.
- Find, become and express your “true self”.
- Find your “purpose in life”.
- Find, open and take the steps needed to fulfil your “contract for this lifetime”
When you do the above, who and what you want to attract to help you, will come your way.
Paul C Burr